In My Daughter's Eyes
by Chicleeblair
Summary: Ellis Grey attempts to balance raising her daughter with her career, a constant struggle.
1. Five

Ellis Grey was always grateful when her day off coincided with a school holiday. It really did kill her when she had to leave Meredith with a babysitter or housekeeper, but that was the way surgery worked. When she told Meredith that she would be off on Veteran's day the little girl had been so excited that Ellis had decided to take an early shift the day before that let her off work just before Meredith's school let out. She did that every once in a while, to speak with the teacher.

Then there was the added bonus of seeing Meredith's eyes light up as she ran to her mother waiting outside of her classroom door. Ellis caught the little blonde-haired girl in her arms and inhaled the smell of her little-girl shampoo. "Hello, Meredith. Did you have a good day?"

"Yup, Mommy, I made an "A" on my spelling test and I did the math problem _on the board_!" Ellis smiled and stood up.

"Good girl, go and get in the car, okay? I want to talk to Mrs. Winters." Meredith ran off after accepting the keys and Ellis entered the classroom.

"Why, hello there Dr. Grey, how can I help you?" the teacher asked as she closed the classroom door and picked up things that had fallen to the floor and not been picked up during the hurry to get out of class.

"I just wanted to see how she's doing. I know it's been a while since I've been able to talk to you."

"Yes, well, she's made great progress. She's much more receptive to her peers now, and I'm sure you have seen the improvement in her grades. I think we can safely say, she's a different girl from the one you brought in here at the beginning of the school year."

Ellis nodded, remembering how Meredith had clung to her when she dropped her off that first day. The tears in her daughter's eyes still haunted her, but she seemed to be doing so much better. More than once, Ellis had come home to see Meredith playing with the neighbor's children or coloring happy pictures of horses at the kitchen table, not using the dark crayons that had almost been used up right after the divorce.

"Good, I'm glad. I'm spending the holiday with her."

"That's wonderful," the woman said and Ellis was a little bit annoyed at the patronizing tone. Obviously the schoolteacher did not know how difficult it was to get entire weekends off from the hospital. "Oh, Dr. Grey? She's had a little cough today, that I would watch if I were you. It's probably nothing, but she seemed a bit listless at recess too."

Ellis couldn't help but think that listlessness was better than hanging upside down from the monkey bars and letting the boys see her panties, but she nodded. "I'll keep a close eye on her, thanks Mrs. Winters," she assured the woman, before going out into the hall and out to the parking lot.

Meredith had buckled herself into her car-seat and was grinning proudly. "I did it, Mommy!" she explained, and then she coughed.

"Are you okay, Meredith?" Ellis asked, as she started the car.

"Yes, Mommy. Mommy, when we get home can we watch the Wizard of Oz? I like that movie."

"How about we get you into play-clothes and have dinner first? Then we can watch it."

Meredith seemed to seriously consider this for a minute, she turned her head and stared out at the Boston traffic that her mother was currently trying to navigate and finally nodded seriously. "Okay. That will work." Ellis smiled and turned on the radio, Meredith hummed along with it the rest of the way to their house.

She surprised Ellis by not hopping out of the car of her own accord, but waiting until her mother came around and allowing herself to be unbuckled and lifted out of the car. Once she was on the concrete, however, she ran up the front steps and into the house, her hair flying out behind her.

"Christine!" she called, running through the door. Ellis smiled as she unloaded a bag of groceries from the back. "Mommy? Where's Christine?"

"She has the weekend off, sweetheart."

Meredith's eyes went wide. "Really? It's _really _just you and me, all weekend?"

"Yes," Ellis said, stepping through the front door and beginning to put up the groceries as Meredith danced around her. She had just put the last box of Macaronis 'n' cheese up in the cupboard when Meredith began to cough again, hard this time. Ellis rushed over to kneel in front of her. "Meredith? Baby, are you all right?" she looked up and nodded as her coughs subsided.

"I must've had something in my throat. I'm okay."

Ellis smoothed down Meredith's hair and nodded. "All right, go change into play-clothes and I'll make dinner, okay?"

"What are we havin'?"

"Go get out of your uniform and you'll find out."

Meredith wrinkled her nose, but scampered off towards the stairs. Ellis smiled to herself as she got out the ingredients for lasagna, the messiest food ever and Meredith's favorite. She had just set the oven timer when Meredith ran back in, wearing jeans and a t-shirt with a picture of the Space Needle on it. This tugged at Ellis, for just a second, as she remembered Meredith's first trip up to the top of the building and being called away for surgery.

"Mommy? Can you put my hair up?" Meredith asked, holding up a scrunchie. Ellis took it and put Meredith's hair into a ponytail. "Thank you. What's for dinner?"

Ellis didn't answer, just scooped the girl up and let her look into the oven.

"Lasaga!" she exclaimed.

"Lasagna," Ellis corrected, laughing and setting the girl back on her feet. "Can you set the table for me?" Meredith nodded and Ellis watched as she carefully carried plates and glasses to their small kitchen table. "What are you forgetting?"

"Napkins!" Meredith called out. "And scalpels."

Ellis shook her head. "Knives, Meredith. Scalpels for surgery, knives for eating, remember?"

"Oh yeah," the girl's brow wrinkled. "I forgot. Can I go play now?"

"What are you going to play?"

"Um…. Crayons."

"Okay, go ahead, but only at your desk, remember. We don't want crayon on the carpet again."

"Why? Because Christine isn't here to clean it?"

Ellis sighed. "No, Meredith. Because crayons only go on paper."

"And paint goes on walls? So what goes on carpet?"

"Well, dye, I suppose, but if you want new carpet you have to have it replaced."

Meredith nodded, absorbing this. "Good thing you don't need new walls whenever you want a new color."

"I never thought of that. Go color, if you want to finish a picture before dinner." Meredith nodded and ran off towards the stairs. Ellis could hear the Puff the Magic Dragon record as soon as Meredith's door opened. Thatch hated that song.

_"She's too young for that kind of music! Why on Earth did Richard buy it for her?"_

_"Relax, Thatcher, she won't understand it, she just likes to dance to it. Richard bought it because she likes it!" _

Ellis shook her head, attempting to push both men from her mind. Glancing at the timer she gauged that she had just enough time to make a salad and change clothes before dinner was ready.

* * *

"Do you want another breadstick Meredith?" Ellis asked her daughter, who was pushing the half eaten lasagna around with her fork. She shook her head. "What's wrong, sweetheart?"

Meredith looked up at her with big eyes. "I'm sorry, Mommy, I guess I'm not hungry."

"One more bite and then you can get down, okay?" She usually pushed for a clean plate, but that was usually because Meredith was too busy chattering to eat. Now she took the tiniest bite imaginable, before taking her plate and glass to the sink, without being asked, and retreating to the living room.

Ellis finished her own dinner and cleaned the dishes before going out to the living room holding the Wizard of Oz in her lap and staring at the blank TV.

"Looks like someone's ready to watch a movie," Ellis said, cheerfully. Meredith nodded and stood up to pop in the VHS. Ells settled on the couch and Meredith climbed up next to her. They watched as the movie opened, and as Dorothy began to sing "Somewhere over the Rainbow", Ellis noticed that Meredith was still being oddly quiet. Usually she was at least humming along; still she giggled at the comedic farm hands and pulled up closer to her mother when Ms. Gulch came onto screen, so Ellis attempted to let go of her worry.

"Mommy? Can I be the Wicked Witch for next Halloween?"

Ellis laughed. Trust Meredith to want to be the one with green skin, and not the pretty, pink-wearing, witch. "That's a long time away, we'll have to see. Oh, look there are the munchkins!"

"Richard used to call me 'munchkin'," Meredith said quietly. This surprised Ellis a little, Meredith had not spoken of Richard or her father in several weeks.

"Yes, he did," Ellis agreed, and Meredith did not say anything else about it. Ellis ran her fingers through the child's hair and heard the distinct sounds of Meredith sucking her thumb. So they were still there, the scars of being moved around so suddenly. Poor baby.

As the movie progressed Ellis found herself losing interest in it. She noted the part where it looked as if a munchkin had hung himself in the background and smirked to herself. She generally had no tolerance for urban legends, partly because when you worked in a hospital you saw even stranger things.

Meredith always loved it when they entered the Emerald City.

"Mommy? How did they make the horses change color?"

"I don't know, sweetheart, what do you think?"

"Paint. Or maybe marker. Crayon doesn't work on hair."

Ellis wasn't exactly sure that she wanted to know how Meredith had found that one out.

She loved nights like this, there hadn't been many in Seattle, but now that it was just the two of them she tried to be home more. Sometimes, it just wasn't possible. It was taking time to prove herself to her mostly-male colleagues, and they did not understand her taking time off to be with her daughter, but they were learning.

The wizard came onto the screen and Meredith turned her head away, leaning against Ellis.

"Meredith, are you being a Cowardly Lion?" she teased.

"Un-uh, but he's scary. See, Dorothy's scared."

"It's just pretend, Meredith, you don't have to be afraid," Ellis soothed, but Meredith kept her head turned away until the wizard was off the screen.

It grew dark out as the movie progressed, and Ellis was expecting another reaction from Meredith when the flying monkeys appeared. It wasn't so much the monkeys themselves as it was the fact that they picked apart the scarecrow that bothered her. Once, Ellis had told her that it didn't matter; a surgeon could put him back together. Meredith remained unconvinced.

Thus Ellis's surprise when Meredith did not so much as stir when the first flying monkey appeared. She pushed herself up on an elbow and looked over to see that Meredith had fallen asleep. She sat up and turned off the TV, and then gently lifted Meredith up, carrying her up the stairs to her room. She was light, on the bottom end of her age level percentile, and Ellis carried her easily. She only turned on a dim lamp in Meredith's bedroom and gently undressed her.

"Mommy?" Meredith murmured, barely opening her eyes as Ellis slid a nightgown over her head.

"Shh, it's okay, baby, go back to sleep." She pulled back the covers and helped Meredith slid under them. Before Ellis had kissed her good night the little girl was asleep again. Ellis left the room quietly, and stood alone in the quiet house.

This was the part that she hated. Without even a six-year-old to talk to, Ellis's mind turned into itself. It was not like this, sleeping in an on-call room, her head full of surgeries, only at home did the demons plague her. Well, she was determined not to let them get the better of her.

She went downstairs and took the movie out of the VCR, putting it back in its case and on the shelf. Meredith's backpack was on the floor by the front door, and she hung it up, checking the folder inside for homework. There was none, a completely free weekend. Ellis poured a glass of wine and sat down on the living room couch, thinking about her day. She had gone in the afternoon before for a twelve-hour shift, during which they had had a head-on collision come into the OR resulting in five different surgeries, two of which she had scrubbed in on. She had just finished sewing up in time to run by the store and then pick up Meredith.

She finished her wine and turned on the evening news, which had a feature on the car crash and some shooting downtown. That would have gone to Boston Memorial, not Boston General. Thank God, or else she might not have been able to get away. GSWs were always an ordeal, but there were more of them now. Once there had almost been a shoot out in the surgical ward when a rival gang member had been let in when he claimed to be family. The interns had termed it 'exciting' but to Ellis it was anything but; not exciting to be in the line of fire when she had a little girl at home to look out for.

Eventually, she turned off the TV and went upstairs to attempt to sleep, although she knew chances were that it would be a long time before she drifted off. She laid awake, images running through her head: Thatcher, who was too much of a coward to even sue for custody, and Richard. Richard, who could not leave Adele even though he did not love her, even though she did not understand what it meant to be a surgeon. It had hurt Ellis when he could not bring himself to come to Boston with them, and it still hurt. She tried her hardest to deny it, but the facts were the same.

She attempted to push this out of her head, instead thinking of Meredith's happiness throughout the evening. If it did not rain the next day she would take her to the park to run off some of that energy. She saw Mrs. Winters's point about the cough, but Meredith had not complained. It would probably run its course by morning. Ellis rolled over and stared at the ceiling before she finally fell asleep.

* * *

"Mommy?" Meredith's small voice crept into Ellis's dream, and she woke up quickly, glancing at the clock. Five after three in the morning.

"Meredith? What is it sweetie?" she murmured, sitting up. Meredith stood by the side of her bed and began to cough violently. Ellis pulled her towards her, putting one hand on the girl's small forehead. She was burning up. "Oh, baby, here come up here with me and I'll go get the thermometer, okay?"

Meredith nodded miserably and climbed up into the bed, burying her face into the pillow. Ellis went quickly down the hall and into the bathroom, grabbing the thermometer, Children's Tylenol and Children's Robitussin out of the medicine cabinet. Meredith was curled up into a ball around her stuffed elephant, her hair over her face. Ellis smoothed it back and stuck the thermometer into the little girl's mouth.

"There you go, sweetheart, we'll make a diagnosis, okay?"

Meredith nodded slowly, grabbing her mother's hand. When the thermometer came out it read one hundred and one, which was just over the edge of fever for a child. Meredith coughed miserably and Ellis sighed. She was showing symptoms of pneumonia. "Mommy," Meredith moaned and Ellis put a hand to her cheek.

"Okay, baby, I'm going to give you some medicine that should make you feel better and then we're going to go to the doctor in the morning, okay?"

She knew that she could have taken her into the hospital, but Meredith was drifting in and out of sleep, and she _knew_ how long they would wait on a holiday weekend. They probably wouldn't even see a doctor until six in the morning. She helped Meredith sit up and swallow the medicines, before settling into bed next to her.

Meredith snuggled against her, shivering slightly, and Ellis pulled the quilt more tightly over both of them. "Mommy?" Meredith whispered into the darkness.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I love you."

Ellis smiled. "I love you too, baby."

Meredith slid deeper under the covers and was soon back asleep, but Ellis could not. Her doctor's ear was listening to Meredith's breathing, which seemed fairly normal. She kept one hand on her daughter's small arm, alert for temperature spikes. Meredith's sleep was troubled, somewhere around four her fever broke, and she tossed more than usual. At times she coughed, and Ellis thought for sure that she would wake, but she remained asleep.

At seven, her temperature began to rise again, and Ellis got out of bed to call the pediatrician. Thank God that the office was open on the holiday. She crept out of the room, leaving Meredith asleep and finally calm, the stuffed elephant tucked tightly under her arm and her blonde hair splayed around her. The sunlight shone on her, making her skin look pale and her hair glow. She was a beautiful child. Ellis watched her for a moment before leaving the room to go to the hall phone and dial the doctor.

"Hello, this is Ellis Grey; I need to make an appointment as soon as possible. Meredith is presenting with fever and a deep chest cough consistent with pneumonia." She vaguely realized that she was sounding like a doctor and not a mother, but she did not bother to dwell on it.

"Oh, um, let me see. We can work her in about nine, does that work for you?"

Ellis sighed. "I suppose that will be fine, if that's the soonest you can get."

"Yes it is, see you then."

"All right." She hung up and laid a hand on the table, scowling. At least she could let her sleep a little while more. She went into the kitchen and began to make toast, listening intently for the sound of stirring from her bedroom.

"Mommy!"

Ellis ran upstairs to find Meredith sitting up in bed, looking flushed. Ellis sat on the end of the bed and put her hand to Meredith's forehead. It was hotter than the night before, and she reached for the thermometer.

"Am I real sick?" Meredith asked, running her hand over the plush toy's fur.

"Not real sick, but we're going to the doctor this morning. Open up."

"But _you're_ a doctor!"

"I'm a surgeon Meredith, not the same, you know that. I'm not the Meredith doctor."

Meredith shrugged and put her head in Ellis's lap, while her lips closed around the thermometer. Ellis stroked her hair and looked over at the window where yellow sunlight was shining through. No rain, but no park either; she'd have to do all that she could to make this seem like a vacation even if Meredith was sick.

"How about if after we go to the doctor we come back here and read together? And if you're feeling better we can make popcorn and watch another movie."

Meredith nodded and smiled. Ellis drew out the thermometer and held it up to the light. One hundred and four. She had a sick little girl on her hands.

"All right, let's get you dressed and ready, okay?" She got up and took Meredith's hand to lead her to her bedroom. She sat on her bed while Ellis rummaged through her closet, coming out with a cotton dress that would be comfortable and easy to slip off at the doctors. Meredith stood limply and let her mother dress her, clutching onto the elephant.

"Can Dumbo come with us?" she asked, as Ellis braided her hair. "To the doctor? He's afraid."

Ellis turned Meredith around to face her. "Sure he can, but you're going to be just fine. Okay?"

"Okay," Meredith said, but then she began to cough again. "It hurts, Mommy."

"Oh sweetheart, I know," Ellis murmured, drawing her against her chest. "It'll be okay. Do you want some toast?"

Meredith shook her head and Ellis heard her sniffle. She picked her up and sat on Meredith's bed rocking her gently. "I know you feel bad, sweetie." She wished that she could just fix this for her, but Ellis's skills weren't going to be much help. They sat there for a few minutes, and then Ellis gently set Meredith on the bed and stood up. "Do you want to take anything else to the doctor's with you?"

"No."

"Okay. We have a little while before your appointment, so let's go downstairs and you can watch TV."

Meredith grabbed her hand and walked slowly down the stairs. Ellis fixed her own toast and put another plate on the table, but Meredith flopped down on the couch and stared at the TV. Sesame Street. She definitely wasn't feeling well, since she usually classified that as a 'baby show'.

At eight-fifteen Ellis put Meredith in her jacket and walked her out to the car. She turned on the radio, but Meredith did not seem to notice. Her temperature had been steady at 104°. Halfway to the doctor she started coughing almost non-stop and Ellis could see tears on her cheeks in the rearview mirror. Why didn't she think to take a cab so that she could hold her?

She carried her, still coughing, into the doctor's office, and was directed to a waiting room chair and told that 'we're running behind schedule'. Hadn't they ever heard of triage? She thought that her child's painful coughing was probably more important than the thirteen-year-old football player's checkup. Meredith curled up in her lap, one finger playing with a lock of Ellis's hair.

"Meredith Grey?" the nurse finally called and Ellis stood, causing Meredith to whimper.

"This way," they were led to a small room with the typical scale and Meredith was reluctantly put down, weighed and measured. In the exam room she curled up on the paper sheet and pulled the stuffed elephant to her face. Ellis sat in a chair next to the table, feeling slightly out of place to not be the doctor in an exam room.

Meredith reached out a small hand and Ellis took it, running her finger over the top of Meredith's hand. The doctor took another fifteen minutes before she came in. they had only been here once before, for an initial check-up, and Ellis thought that the man seemed competent. He had come highly recommended.

"Good morning," she said brightly as she came in. "What have we here?"

"I don't feel well," Meredith offered, taking her thumb out of her mouth, but not looking up.

"She seems to have pneumonia," Ells explained, "She'll need a chest x-ray and blood tests, stat."

The doctor stared at her as he removed the stethoscope from his neck. He was giving her the 'What do you know? You're just a mother' look.

"That would be protocol in the ER, but a physical should suffice to make a diagnosis. Meredith, I'm going to listen to your chest, okay?"

Ellis stood; her hand still in Meredith's. "Excuse me, Dr. Miller, but I was under the impression that you would do a through exam before jumping to conclusions."

He drew away the stethoscope and glared at her. "Dr. Grey, you yourself said that you believe that Meredith has pneumonia."

"As her mother, I do. But as a doctor? I would never let a resident or intern base a diagnosis on taking her temperature and listening to her cough!"

"Dr. Grey, I assure you, I'm doing much more than that. I will be looking for palpitations and checking the percussion on the chest wall to localize the infection, not to mention the presence of rales."

"I waited an hour in your waiting room, then, for an exam I could have done myself. I do not, however, have the facilities to draw blood, which you do. I can, however, take her over to Boston General and they'll do it. Come on, baby, put your coat on."

"Mommy," Meredith whispered. "It's okay, he's the Meredith doctor, remember? You're a surgeon."

"That may be true, but I also know how to make a diagnosis. Get Dumbo. We're going."

She knew that she was being judgmental, that the exam would probably be just fine to get her daughter on the antibiotics that she needed. It was the look that that man gave her that made Ellis gather Meredith in her arms and leave. It was the fact that he obviously saw her as inferior, and if there was one thing she would never be, it was inferior. To anyone.

Outside of the office she used a pay-phone to call ahead to the hospital.

"Charlie? It's Ellis Grey, I'm bringing Meredith in. Can you have someone in peds check her out for me?"

"Ellis, your regular pediatrician—"

"Is an a-- a jerk. I wouldn't ask, but I think she has pneumonia, but I don't want to self-diagnose my daughter."

She heard the chief of surgery sigh. "All right, bring her by and go to the nurses' station at peds. I'll ask Joe to have an intern waiting for you."

"Thank you, Charlie." Ellis hung up and knelt down to be at eye-level with Meredith. "We're going to go to the hospital so that they can give you the medicine you need, okay? You won't have to stay there."

"Are you gonna work?" Meredith asked, tears welling up in her eyes.

"No, baby, I'm off this weekend, remember?"

"Yeah. Okay."

They loaded back up in the car and Ellis headed for her parking spot in the garage. As she lifted Meredith out of her car-seat again, one of the neurosurgeons, a Dr. Ashby was getting into his car.

"Ellis, I thought you weren't coming in today."

"I'm not, Roy, Meredith's sick. I'm bringing her in for some tests."

"Sure, that and you can't bring yourself to be away from this place."

Ellis scowled and shifted Meredith to her other hip. "I need to go, Roy. See you Monday."

"I do good on tests," Meredith mumbled into her ear and Ellis smiled.

"I know you do, but this isn't like your tests at school."

"Okay."

They went into the elevator to the pediatric floor, where, as promised, an intern was waiting. Ellis had at least a little confidence in her skill since training had begun in July, and she smiled when a blood test was ordered immediately after the chest exam. Ellis held Meredith in her arms as the technician prepared for the finger stick. Meredith didn't even seem to notice the needle, as her head rested on her mother's shoulder.

When they sat back out in the pediatric waiting room Ellis thought Meredith had fallen asleep until she felt the little girl's tears against her neck.

"Meredith?" she said, shifting Meredith so that she could see her face. "Why are you crying?"

"I ruined our weekend," Meredith sobbed. "An' now we can't go to the park or play outside or anything, 'cause I'm sick."

"Oh, honey," Ellis murmured, wiping a stream of tears with her finger. "It wasn't your fault. You can't help being sick any more than you can help having blonde hair." _Until you're a teenager and discover dyes, at which point all bets are off._ "It's not your fault, and I'm not mad. I love you. You're going to be just fine, and we'll have lots of other weekends when we can do those things. Okay?"

"Okay," Meredith said, sniffing through her tears. Ellis reached over for a tissue box on a nearby table and mopped the tears and snot off of Meredith's face before settling her back on her shoulder.

"Dr. Grey?" the intern said, coming into the room and sitting down near her. "You were right, she does have pneumonia. The films show that it's not too bad, though. Here's a prescription, and just let me know if she doesn't improve by tomorrow, okay?" He paused. "That is—I mean if there's anything else…."

She put a hand up. "You're fine. I'll mention it to your resident on Monday. Thank you very much."

Setting Meredith on the floor she took her hand and led her out of the waiting room, down the hall, and to the hospital pharmacy where she proceeded to fill Meredith's prescription herself. She wrote it off under a false patient's name, figuring they'd never bother to audit, and if they did doctor's self-filling their migraine prescriptions would out number her theft.

"Okay, Mer, time to go home," she announced, smiling down at the little girl. On the way home she drove through a McDonald's and let Meredith get a coke so that she could wash down the pill. Meredith smiled as she munched on a French fry, and Ellis smiled back. They would be all right.

* * *

She put Meredith into clean pajamas and brought up The Secret Garden to read aloud. It was one of Meredith's favorites.

"Mommy? Did Colin have ammonia?" she asked, running a finger over an illustration of the little boy in a large bed with his cousin standing nearby.

"Pneumonia. We use ammonia to clean; pneumonia is what's making you sick. I don't think so, sweetie, he was just sick a lot."

"I bet he didn't like it. I don't like being sick."

"I know you don't. But I think you're already feeling better." Her fever had broken an hour or so after they returned home and her cough was dying down a little bit.

"I do. Sort of. Mommy, are we going home for Christmas?"

Ellis closed the book, slipping her finger in between the pages to mark their place and slid down to be closer to her daughter. "No, angel. This is our home now, in Boston. It snows here, and we'll get a Christmas tree. It will be fine. Santa Claus will come and see you, and everything."

"Will Daddy come?" Meredith asked quietly, as if she was afraid to ask.

"No, sweetheart. Daddy…. Daddy didn't want to come to Boston with us. He loves you, but he can't be with you right now."

Meredith thought about this. "Like Jimmy Richard's daddy? He had cancer."

Ellis smoothed Meredith's damp hair off her forehead and smiled sadly. "No, sweetheart. Daddy's still alive, he lives in Seattle, but he's not part of our family anymore. It's just you and me."

"And Christine?"

"Christine helps us, but she's not really a part of our family. She has her own mommy and daddy, and her son, remember? He's at big boy school in New Jersey."

"Yeah. I know. She talks about him lots. You can keep reading now."

Ellis obeyed but when she glanced over at Meredith again it was clear that she wasn't listening. Ellis had known that these conversations were coming, had expected them earlier, but Meredith had become withdrawn after the move, not asking any questions at all. That was just recently beginning to change.

"Meredith? You can tell me what you're thinking."

Meredith bit her lip and ran her hand along the lines in the sheet nervously. "I was thinking: is it okay if I miss Daddy?'"

"Oh, sweetheart, of course it is. Missing him means that you love him."

"But he left us. Isn't that bad?"

_Oh how to explain this?_ "Meredith, sweetie, sometimes people just can't get along. They can try, and it's always important to try, but sometimes they just can't. your daddy loves you, but he just couldn't stay with us. It's hard to understand, but grown-ups make big mistakes sometimes."

"Did you make a big mistake, Mommy? Or did Daddy?"

"I'd have to say that we both did, sweetheart."

Meredith turned to face her, a solemn look on her face. "You tried to fix it, right? You said 'sorry'?"

"Well, I don't know that I said 'sorry', but yes, I did try to fix it." _I just couldn't get Richard to help me with that._

Meredith nodded, absorbing this, and then kissed Ellis on the cheek. "Okay, Mommy. I'm not mad at you."

Ellis smiled, wishing that her little girl was not having to try to comprehend all of this now, so young. She wondered if this easy forgiveness would always be the case and a part of her knew that it would not be. For now though, she just hugged Meredith to her and kissed the top of her head.

"Thank you, Meredith. That makes me very happy. Let's read the book some more, okay?"

"Okay."

They read most of the book that afternoon, but just before the end Meredith drifted off to sleep and Ellis went downstairs to heat up soup for their dinner. When Meredith came downstairs she proclaimed that she felt 'lots and lots' better. Her appetite had improved, and she begged to be allowed to watch Mary Poppins downstairs. Ellis consented and they shared a small bowl of popcorn.

"Mommy? Can I go up the chimney?"

"No, only Mary Poppins can, because she's magic."

"Can we get a magic nanny?"

"Don't you think that that would make Christine sad?"

"Oh. Yeah. I guess. I can say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"

"And yet you can't pronounce spaghetti."

"Oh, yeah, can we have pasketti tomorrow?"

"I think we may have out done it on the Italian. And I also think that it's bedtime."

Meredith groaned, but stood up, taking Ellis's hand. "Can I sleep with you, Mommy?"

"Meredith-."

"Please? I don't want to be alone if I start not feeling well again. 'Cause Dumbo can't yell for you."

Ellis sighed and relented. "Okay, just for tonight. You need a bath first though; the steam will make you feel better."

"Can I have bubbles?"

"Sure." That last incentive made Meredith hurry up the stairs and strip off her nightgown. Ellis turned on the bath water and poured in the bubbles, and then went to Meredith's room to get clean nightclothes. Meredith was in the tub when she returned, humming 'I Love to Laugh' and dunking her head under water.

"Is there swimming here, Mommy?" she asked, when she emerged, dripping and smiling.

"We'll have to find out. Maybe after Christmas we'll join at a Y. You can do the swim team over the summer."

"Yay!" Meredith exclaimed, and then fell into a cough. Ellis rubbed her back until it subsided. "I'm tired," Meredith said, after a few more minutes.

"Okay. Wash your hair and we'll go to bed."

"You too?"

"Me too."

Meredith nodded and squirted shampoo onto her small palm. Ellis watched her lather her hair and sighed to herself. Such simple pleasures. Now that Meredith was doing better it all seemed so calm compared to the hospital. She wondered how many mothers whose children were battling pneumonia would think that.

Throughout the night Meredith coughed in her sleep, culminating in a particularly bad spasm at two which left her sobbing and pulling a muscle that pained her every time she coughed or moved her right arm. Ellis tried to sooth her, but she did not fall back asleep for another hour when a new dose of cough syrup kicked in.

Ellis found that she was glad that Meredith had slept with her, since she could be there immediately when the cough came, when Meredith cried out in her sleep.

She was reminded of a bout of croup that had come when Meredith was just a year and a half. Ellis had been on call and had rushed down to the ER to see Thatcher watching helplessly as ER doctors injected Meredith and put a mask on to ease her labored breathing.

"She couldn't breathe," he kept saying, and Ellis only looked at him, before rushing to Meredith's side, pushing a nurse aside to get in the infant's line of vision. Her breathing was steadying and she smiled when she saw her mother. Ellis didn't think that her heart would ever stop racing.

Now Meredith's breathing steadied once again as she began to dream, and Ellis let herself settle under the covers. For the first time in the three months that they had lived in Boston she thought that maybe she could manage a career and a daughter.

* * *

By Sunday evening the house was rather a mess. Meredith's crayons were all over the table as she colored a picture before dinner. She coughed every once in a while, but without the harshness of Friday night. Ellis was making hamburgers, every once in a while looking over Meredith's shoulder at the picture she was coloring. It was of the two of them at the park. Ellis had finally relented to Meredith's begging, bundled her up and taken her to the park for half an hour that morning.

She had adored the swings and the slide, but when a coughing fit almost caused her to fall off of the monkey bars Ellis grabbed her and they went home. It was enough, however, to keep Meredith gushing for the rest of the day. "Mommy, did you see how high I went?"

"Yes, I did, sweetheart. Are you putting the birds we saw in your picture?"

"Uh-huh." Meredith acknowledged, picking up the brown crayon. "I wish this park had a tire swing like at home. I mean, like in Seattle."

"Maybe we can put one up on that big tree in the front yard," Ellis mused. "Next time I'm off, I'll see."

Meredith nodded, as she scrubbed the crayon across the paper to make a blue sky. "When will we have another weekend? I want to not be sick."

"Well, I'm off at Thanksgiving, but we're going to Aunt Mariann's. At Christmas, though, we'll have time together." She knew that it would seem like forever to Meredith, but the time would go by quickly. That was what time did. It passed. "Go put up your crayons so that we can eat, okay?"

Meredith obeyed and Ellis leaned against the counter. She was much better, but the school had a policy that any child who had had a fever had to wait twenty-four hours before returning to the classroom. She waited until Meredith's door closed to call the housekeeper.

"Christine? It's Ellis Grey. I just wanted to let you know that Meredith will be at home tomorrow. She's been sick this weekend, and she has to wait a day or so before going back to school."

"Oh, I am sorry to hear that Dr. Grey. I know how much she was lookin' forward to this weekend."

"Yes, well, I just thought I would warn you in case you wanted to flee the city."

They both laughed.

"No, we'll do just fine. I'll see you tomorrow."

A minute after she hung up, Meredith skipped down the stairs and Ellis smiled at her. She was doing so much better since they first moved here. There had been one day when Christine had called her from work saying that Meredith had thrown a book at her and locked herself in her room. It turned out that all that the woman had done was mention that her son had given her husband a bright pink tie for father's day. Neither Christine nor Dr. Grey had realized how sensitive this subject would be with the little girl.

Now Meredith giggled as she got ketchup on her nose. Ellis read her the last chapter of The Secret Garden and tucked her into bed. Dumbo the stuffed elephant slept under Meredith's arm. Ellis went downstairs and surprised herself by gravitating to the phone. She was dialing his number before she even realized it, when she had not called him in months.

"Hello?"

Ellis took a breath. "Thatch? It's Ellis."

"Ellis. What do you want?"

"Meredith…. She misses you, Thatch. Maybe if you called her, or--?" she wasn't sure what she was looking for. She did not want to deal with joint custody, not when they lived so far apart, and they were doing fine. Still, Meredith's face when she asked about her daddy was fresh in her mind.

"Ellis, I really don't think that's a good idea." He sounded defeated. "Did something happen?"

"Hmm? No. Well, she had pneumonia, but it's under control. It was scary for a bit there, but she's strong. She asked about you. She needs a father."

"What did you tell her, Ellis? That I'm the spawn of the devil himself? Call Richard, you would rather him be her father anyway."

This hurt. "Fine. Forget it then, but don't come looking to see her a year from now, because I think that would really confuse her, don't you? Good-bye Thatcher."

"Good-bye Ellis."

She hung up and sank onto the couch, wondering what had possessed her. Did she really expect anything to change? It was just the two of them now, for better or worse. Upstairs she glanced at the sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet, but decided not to take one, just in case Meredith woke up that night.

The next morning she was up and ready to go at five-thirty for her six o'clock shift. She tiptoed into Meredith's room to kiss her good-bye but the girl's eyes flickered open.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, sweetheart. I'm going to work."

"But I'm not going to school?"

"No, baby, you can't since you were sick."

"Can't you stay with me again?"

"I wish I could, but I've got to work today. I took Friday and Saturday off, remember?"

"Yeah. Okay, Mommy. When will you be home? Tonight?"

"In time for school tomorrow."

"Oh. But you're coming back?" It was a question that she had asked every day for the first two months, and had only recently begun to fall out of the routine.

"Yes, Meredith. I'll be back. Have a good day and be nice to Christine."

"Okay, Mommy." Meredith murmured, slipping back into sleep.

Ellis closed the door and went down the stairs where the elderly housekeeper had turned on the news and was straightening up the kitchen. Outside Ellis breathed in the November air and went to the car, to escape to the hospital, where she really knew what she was doing. Where she knew that surgery could fix things, or not, there was no in between.

Meredith's face popped up in her bedroom window, watching as Ellis pulled away. She was so small, and there was still so much time left. Their journey was just beginning.

A/N this one will be updated, but my next story Serenity will be up first since this is less time sensitive. I really want to explore how their relationship would change as Meredith got older. Review, and Story Alert!


	2. Twelve

Ellis Grey smiled to herself as she scrubbed out after a successful bypass surgery. She had forty minutes before she had to scrub in again on a porcine valve replacement, and she was planning on going down to the cafeteria to get coffee before making sure everything had gone smoothly in the pre-op. As she passed the OR and walked towards the nurses' station, her ehyes widened when she saw her daughter perched on the desk, talking animatedly with one of the first-year residents.

"Meredith? What are you doing here? Dr. Carter, don't you have some place to be?" The intern nodded and darted off towards the patients' rooms, not wanting to cross Ellis Grey.

Twelve-year-old Meredith grinned. "Aw, Mom, he was fun. Weenie doesn't know the possible signs of a murmur in a child, let alone how to differentiate between benign and not benign when it comes to murmurs."

Ellis smirked, "Meredith, give him a break, he's an intern."

"You don't give him breaks," her daughter pointed out, kicking her heels against the desk.

"Stop that. What are you doing here? And why are you in street clothes? It's only three-thirty."

Meredith shrugged. "Last day, remember? Free dress. And I am here because it's the last day. Time to get a tree, remember?"

Ellis froze. She hadn't remembered. Every last day of school before winter holidays she and Meredith had gone out to get their Christmas tree. It was one of the small traditions that had gotten them through all of the troubles they had had.

"Of course," Ellis said slowly. "I remember." She did, she just had not remembered that the day was today. "But I have a valve replacement in OR 2 in half an hour. We'll go after that, okay?"

"Okay," Meredith said, agreeably. "Can I watch in the gallery?"

"Only if you promise not to give another running commentary," Ellis said, as Meredith hopped off of the desk. "It doesn't do much for anyone's confidence when a seventh grader knows more about the procedure than they do."

"Keeps 'em on their toes, Mom," Meredith argued. "I got an A on my math exam, by the way. Bohart posted the scores. Second highest in the class."

"Who was highest?" Ellis asked, going towards the elevator. "Come on, I'm getting coffee."

"Jeremy Pickens. But his dad is a math _professor_. If there was a surgery class, I'd be member one. Can I have coffee?"

"How many times do I have to tell you? Your maths and sciences are surgery classes. And no, you can't have coffee. You more hyper than normal is not something I want to deal with."

Meredith shrugged. "Thought I'd try. Nadine said to tell you that since she drove me here she's talking off tonight, and she'll see us after the New Year."

Ellis rolled her eyes at their latest housekeeper. The woman seemed to think that if she didn't care to be paid she could just leave, leaving the job undone.

The woman in the cafeteria was already fixing Ellis's coffee by the time they approached, and Meredith grabbed a cookie from the rack.

"Are you paying for that?" Ellis asked, and Meredith rolled her eyes. Ellis pulled out her wallet and paid for both the cookie and the coffee. "Consider it your Christmas present," she said dryly, and Meredith smirked.

"Right Mom. Have you even bought presents yet?"

"Yes, for your information. Your aunt took me out to the day-after-Thanksgiving rush. It was the first and last time I'll ever fight that particular type of human insanity, but I did get the Christmas shopping done."

Meredith scowled. "While I had to suffer with the terror twins," she said, referring to her ten-year-old cousins, "Honestly, if Kevin decides it's fun to poke me incessantly one more time I'm going to make sure he never does it again."

"Meredith? Just because you know the sensitive areas of the anatomy, doesn't mean you have to flaunt that knowledge."

"Actually, that time I meant in the jugular not in the--."

"Meredith! Stop that sentence this minute, if you want to be anywhere near the gallery again until you're very, very old."

"Gotcha," Meredith said, rolling up the sleeves of her green sweater. "I put my jacket in your locker, by the way."

"You, gallery, go. And don't let me see you attempt to steal scrubs and pose as a scrub nurse again. There's a reason you aren't in drama club, and it's not that you hate being the center of attention."

Meredith laughed and ran off towards the OR. She shouldn't really be allowed to watch, but she had grown up around surgery, no one ever minded. Well, they had minded the scrub-nurse thing, but only because they hadn't noticed until she disposed of an amputated finger in the wrong way, and they saw how far up the cuffs of the scrub pants were rolled up. If it had been in Ellis's OR she would have noticed right away' but Meredith was smart enough not to attempt that kind of stunt in her mother's OR.

She stood in front of the OR board finishing her coffee. The surgery would take a few hours, but they should be out before all the tree lots closed. Ellis may not have been Mrs. Claus when it came to Christmas, but she did love the smell of a fir tree, and she knew that Meredith did too. When she went into the OR she saw her daughter on the front row of the gallery. A few interns standing to the side were looking perturbed that she had managed to get a seat so close, but Meredith did not seem to notice them. She was focused completely on the actions of the nurses and anesthesiologist. Ellis nodded at her and Meredith smiled. She had never said anything, but Ellis knew that Meredith was planning on following in her footsteps. She was not sure that it would be right for her, but she thought that she could try. She had the knowledge, at least. She just needed to focus a little bit more in school and less on social opportunities.

She slid her hands into gloves, right first then left, as she always did. She knew that Meredith would be rolling her eyes, as she always did when she was exposed to any surgical superstitions. She would learn, Ellis thought. Anything to hold on to in all that uncertainty. Once she made the first cut, Ellis forgot about anyone watching the surgery. She was one of the best at this procedure, she knew. People had called her on consults for years, since the end of her fellowship.

The patient a fifty-five year old male, who, surprisingly, had an otherwise healthy heart. Perhaps cynically, Ellis expected all people who had lived more than twenty years to have at least one partially clogged artery just waiting to cause trouble. It seemed to b going smoothly until she began to suture, when the man began to code. She quickly undid the stitches and ran a code, but it was too late. He was lost. She scowled as she ripped her gloves off. In the gallery she could see Meredith, frozen in her seat, watching as the nurses covered the body. It was not the first unsuccessful surgery she had seen. Early on, Ellis hadn't let her watch anything that had a high risk, but when a routine bypass patient had died when Meredith was watching she realized that it was either ban her from the OR completely or teach her the truth.

She was waiting for Ellis outside of the scrub room, leaving against the wall and looking small.

"You did a good job, Mom," she offered, walking along side of her mother as she headed towards the nurses station.

"I know. Things like that happen, Meredith," she paused and then added, "You'll find that out, if you ever become a surgeon. Sometimes you do all that you can and nothing works."

Meredith's eyes widened and she looked up at her mother. "You really think I could?" she asked, and Ellis knew that she was right. Meredith had obviously thought about it.

"I think--." She was cut off by an intern running down the hall to her. "Dr Grey, we've got a twenty-seven year old male with Marfan syndrome who collapsed on an ice rink.'

Ellis closed her eyes for patience and looked down at Meredith. "Mer, I've got to go talk to that last man's family. But Dr. Pierson, I'm off tonight, isn't Claudia here?"

"No. We're supposed to have a temp cardio come in, but the chief wants you to do this."

"It's okay, Mom," Meredith said quietly. "We can get a tree tomorrow."

"I'm on call tomorrow," Ellis admitted. "I'm off Christmas eve and day, of course, sweetie, but…. I tell you what, call a cab; I'll give you the money and have the driver help you with the tree. We'll decorate it tonight; I don't care how late it is."

"Okay," Meredith agreed. She smiled, but Ellis knew that she was disappointed.

"Sorry, sweetheart. But it's the holidays, people are--."

"Stupid," Meredith finished, with a small grin. "I'll take care of it."

"Good girl. I'll see you at home," Ellis said, pulling out her wallet and handing Meredith a bill. "I expect change from that!" she called as Meredith scampered off, her hair flying out behind her.

"Sure!" Meredith called, but Ellis knew better. Meredith would use this opportunity to order pizza and have William from next door over. If she weren't only twelve years old Ellis would worry, but the boy had braces and a lisp, and Ellis had a strong feeling that he may turn out to swing to the other side.

"Dr. Grey?" the intern said, and she turned away from the hall as Meredith turned the corner. "All right, I've got to go inform a family that their father is dead, and then I'll go and see about your Abe Lincoln."

She went down the hall towards the surgical waiting room and sighed to herself. As a resident she had hated this part, but now it was just a fact of the job. There were enough times that she was delivering good news, it balanced itself out. There were just sometimes, when the dead one was a child that she had difficulty, especially if Meredith were at the hospital, or had just left for school. It was a weakness, but she didn't let it show. She had finally earned respect at this hospital and she was not going to give it up.

"Mrs. Richee? Would you come across the hall with me please?"

The wife followed her nervously, and Ellis opened the door to a conference room. She always preferred to do this in an empty waiting room, but it was the holidays, the board was full and s was the waiting room.

"Mrs. Richee, I'm so sorry, but Henry's heart could not take the strain of the surgery. We lost him just as I was closing up."

Shock took over the woman's face, her eyes went wide and Ellis placed a hand on her arm. "I know that this is difficult, we have people who can help you make the arrangements."

"No." the woman said firmly. "There must be some mistake. My Henry can't be gone. He's my life. You have got to be joking. This kind of thing… it can't be happening. We were happy!"

"I am sorry. We did all that we could for him, I assure you. Nurse Caitlin will help you now." She nodded to the nurse who stood in the door to the room. She was new, just out of school, but she stepped forward to comfort the woman as Ellis left the room.

She shook her head, pushing the man and his family out of her mind; she had another patient to see, and hopefully a live to save this time. For just a second she thought of telling Meredith about it that night, about the history of Marfan and the possibility that the sixteenth president may have had the syndrome. Meredith lapped up facts like that.

Once again, though, she had to push her daughter from her mind as she went to speak with the patient and his family.

* * *

When Ellis turned the corner onto her street the first thing she noticed was the lights. Apparently the entire neighborhood had decided that this was the day to decorate the outside of their houses. She never did that, it was excessive. Then she noticed that multi-colored light was coming from her house too. There was a decorated Christmas tree in the window. She shook her head in surprise, as she went inside.

The living room was somewhat of a disaster, with tissue paper that the ornaments had been wrapped in strewn everywhere and an empty pizza box on the coffee table. She went into the kitchen, where a plate of cookies made by the housekeeper at on the table, looking significantly less full than it had that morning. Ellis took one and bit into it. At least the housekeeper had one thing going for her, she could bake.

She spent a few minutes stuffing the tissue paper back in the ornament box and throwing away the pizza box before she went upstairs to check on her daughter. And her daughter's guest, she remembered, her mind flashing back to the OR.

"_Dr. Grey? Your daughter's on the phone. She wants to know if William can sleep over."_

_Ellis raised an eyebrow, as she stood wrist deep in the chest cavity. She knew that Meredith was only calling to point out the fact that she still existed, not to really ask for permission. "Tell her yes, and that she doesn't have to ask about him." A scrub nurse made an odd noise and Ellis glared at her. "He's the boy next door, and he's probably gay," she said. "Retractor."_

She crept into Meredith's room, stepping over the boy in the sleeping back and Meredith sat up. "Hi Mom," she said, cheerfully. "Like the tree?"

"It looks great, but I told you we'd do it." Meredith deflated a little.

"Yeah, I know, but it got late, so Will and I just did it. It looks nice though, don't you think?"

"Mmhmm."

"So how'd the presidential surgery go?"

"You've been reading my textbooks again." Ellis stated.

"And then the encyclopedia."

"You know, if you put that much into your science classes you might just do better."

Meredith shrugged. "Sorry if photosynthesis bores me. Come on, details."

"I don't want to wake up your friend."

"He sleeps like a log. Trust me. Tell!"

"It went well. We repaired the tear and the guy was otherwise healthy. We had a blood spurt on your friend Dr. Carter. He almost gagged. You're right, he's a weenie." Meredith laughed. "Since you know so much, can you tell me the symptoms of the syndrome? Or at least why they think Lincoln may have had it?"

"It's a connective tissue disorder. Lincoln was abnormally tall for men in his day; he had long fingers and toes, lax joints and an oddly shaped chest cavity. Scoliosis is common; and optic nerve damage."

"Good. Get some sleep. I'll be gone in the morning, but I'm off after that."

"Okay. Will's family is going to see _A Christmas Carol_, some theater is doing it, and I'm going to go with them." Meredith said, sliding down under her covers.

"Sounds like fun. Good night, Meredith." Ellis stood and left the room, as Meredith murmured a good night.

Alone, in the hallway Ellis glanced down the stairs and saw the tree, the lights adding a glow to the living room. It did look nice, although the star on top was cock-eyed. She was about to go back and ask Meredith how they got it on, but then got a picture of her daughter balancing on scrawny William's shoulders and she knew. That would have been amusing to see.

Suddenly, she remembered the last Christmas before they had left Seattle, Meredith being lifted up by Thatcher to put the star on. Ellis's beeper going off. Suddenly she knew why she was almost disappointed that the tree had been done when she got home, it was the first time she had come home to a finished tree in years. That was not her daughter's fault, but still she was sorry that she had missed it. She was starting to do that again, miss important things. She hadn't made it to one of Meredith's swim meets this year, hadn't been able to chaperone a class trip to Philadelphia. She told herself that Meredith was getting older and didn't need as much supervision, but she wasn't always so sure of that.

Ellis went to her room, and got dressed for bed. Sitting on the side of it she sighed in the darkness and wondered if she was doing all of this right. Maybe next year she would take Meredith away for the holidays, just the two of them. She hoped that it was not too late for that. By then she would be thirteen, and Ellis remembered being difficult at thirteen. Meredith was too much like her not to be.

Ellis thought of the nurses, always full of stories about their children, taking off for little league games. She was not like that, her career was too important to her. She thought that the girl understood, she obviously enjoyed having the latest clothes and music, but sometimes she thought it might have been better for them if Ellis weren't a nationally acclaimed surgeon.

The chief had said something about a conference in Atlanta in April, which would be right around Meredith's spring break. Maybe they could go and make some sort of vacation out of it, and maybe drive around the campus of Emory while they were there. She'd talk to Meredith about it, she supposed, as she lay down. After Christmas. She smiled, thinking of her daughter's face when she opened her Christmas presents. Those should make her happy.

* * *

She didn't usually bother leaving a note for Meredith when she left for work, because it was routine for both of them. Occasionally she left something for Nadine, information about an orthodontist appointment or grocery money. On the morning of December 23rd, however, she went ahead and posted a note on the refrigerator. She figured that one of the two kids sleeping in her daughter's room would head there upon waking up.

_Meredith,_

_I'm off at seven, until the 26th. I was thinking that we could go see a movie tonight, if you want. Check the papers. Have fun at the show, and tell William that he is not allowed to touch my cereal, even if he is your friend. _

_Mom_

_PS. I really do like the tree_

In the hospital the ER was packed. Not as much as it would be in the next few days, but the neurotics were getting every little ache and pain checked out 'just in case' so that it didn't ruin the holidays. There were the people, of course, who ignored it all until after the season, making January 2nd one of the busiest days of the year.

It was three o'clock before she could even stop to breathe, and then she went into the cafeteria to get something to eat.

"Hi, Dr. Grey," said the woman at the cash register. "No Meredith today?"

"No. She's out with friends today," Ellis said, trying and failing to remember the woman's name. She simply gave her a tight smile and went eat at a small table in the corner. A table of interns sat nearby, eyeing her warily. Charlie had once said that she scared interns. It was probably true. She remembered fearing good attendings when she was an intern. She shook herself, trying not to think of her early years in medicine. There was too much pain there.

She had heard somewhere that Richard had been awarded the Golden Hands award. She knew that he wouldn't care, he didn't want that award. He always thought it was silly to judge people based on something that was really the luck of the draw. She stabbed her fork into her salad and rested her head on her hand. She had not slept well the night before, but then she rarely slept well.

She finished her salad alone, enjoying the few peaceful minutes in which her pager did not go off, and no intern came with a message from the chief or another attending. Just as she stood to throw her trash away, however, Dr. Larson, the hospital's new neonatal specialist came up to her.

"Dr. Grey, I need a cardio consult on the baby I just delivered. Her aorta is very small, but I think that it is operable, could you come and take a look?" he asked, with a smile he no doubt thought debonair.

"Sure, Dr. Larson," she said. "Although I think you'd be better off with Carlton, he's done more infant surgeries than I have. Also, he's on-call tomorrow."

"You're not? I thought that the great Ellis Grey worked all seasons, Christmas or no."

"I would, but I happen to have a twelve-year-old who likes to have her mother there on Christmas. Can't imagine why that would be," Ellis said, sarcastically. "Think before you speak, Larson."

"Oh, um. Right, sorry," he said, chagrinned, and Ellis remembered him as a bumbling intern. She hadn't thought that he would survive. She never participated in the pools that went around about the interns, but if she had she would not have bet on him. Speaking of which, she might just break her own rule and bet against Carter.

The baby could wait until it was bigger for the operation, much to the parents relief. After that, Ellis was called to a GSW. The resident that paged her was a girl, and she was young. Ellis had heard that she skipped two years of grade school and went in as a sophomore to get her BA.

"Why are people shooting each other on Christmas?"

"Why not?" Ellis said grimly. "And besides, for all that you know this guy is Hindu and doesn't give a damn about Christian holidays."

The resident went wide-eyed as she handed Ellis the chart. "Didn't think of that," she murmured. "Kind of cynical isn't it?"

"You're young," Ellis said, flipping through the chart. "Although you're particularly optimistic for a resident. By your year most have had the life sucked out of them." The resident shrugged, unsure of how to respond. "Did the ER get an x-ray yet?"

"No. they're behind."

"Incompetents. Go make sure it's stat, and push him ahead if you have to. I don't like the position of the entrance wound." The resident ran off and Ellis went to book an OR. Wherever the bullet was, it would need to come out. She glanced at a clock, it was already past four. With luck she could still get away at seven.

She went to check that all of her charts were in order, and to chew out the interns who filed several in the wrong places. Once she had finished with that, the resident found her with the chest x-ray. The bullet was positioned precariously close to both the heart and the lungs.

"Dammit," she swore. "There's no one else here who can take this? No, never mind. I'll do it. Go scrub in."

The resident raced off, and Ellis followed more slowly, it would take them a few minutes to be ready for her. She didn't like to be the doctor who hovered while the others did their jobs. She went in, did what she had to do and left. As she was entering to OR, her pager went off, but she didn't look at it, she handed it to a scrub nurse.

"Go see what that's about," she said, off-handedly. "Let whoever it is know I'm on a GSW and off as soon as I'm done."

She put on her gloves and took the scalpel to cut. She was opening the thoracic cavity when the scrub nurse came back in, a mask held to her mouth. "It's your daughter, Dr. Grey."

Ellis sighed. "Tell her I'll be home as soon as I can."

"She's here. In the ER."

Ellis pulse sped up, suddenly, but she kept her eyes on the man's chest as she began to attempt to locate the bullet. "What happened?"

"They don't know yet, exactly. She was ice-skating and fell; they think that her right might be broken. She's going into X-ray. The ER nurse recognized her and moved her ahead in triage."

"Who came in with her?"

"A Mrs. Dawson? Anyway, they need your signature…."

Ellis nodded. The woman was William's mother, and Meredith was in good hands. "Okay. I'll get the bullet out and let Dr. Knight close up. Go and find Meredith and tell her I'm on my way."

"Yes, Dr. Grey," the nurse said.

Ellis could feel the eyes of the whole OR on her. "If any of you think that I should leave this man with a bullet in him, do speak up," she said. "And if not, help me get this done quickly."

She had to work hard to keep her mind on the surgery, but as soon as she pulled out the bullet she took her gloves off and went to scrub out. Before leaving the room she leaned heavily on the sink, willing herself to breathe and trust that Meredith was okay. The ER staff could set a wrist, for God's sake.

Outside the room, she was surprised to see that Meredith sitting on the floor, knees drawn up to her chest, waiting for her. Her right arm was wrapped in an Ace bandage and she held it against her chest. Her face had tear-stains, and her hair was falling out of its ponytail.

"Meredith!" Ellis said, hurrying over and pulling the girl to her feet. "What happened, exactly? Are you all right?"

Meredith nodded. "'m okay. I fell, skating and Will's mom brought me here. Quentin was on-call downstairs and he fixed me up. It's not broken, just sprained. They said I could wait here and they'd get you to sign the papers." Ellis put her arm around Meredith's shoulders to lead her to the elevator, and she felt her stiffen.

"I had a GSW," she said, in explanation. "The bullet was lodged in a very dangerous place."

Meredith shrugged. "Okay."

"Meredith--."

"I said okay, Mom. I know. You were in surgery; your shift wasn't over yet. I understand."

"All right then. Let's go get the paperwork done and we'll go home. Did you still want to go to a movie?"

"Not really. I'm kind of tired."

"Okay. Maybe A Christmas Story will be on and you can mock it."

A small smile played on Meredith's lips. "I prefer It's a Wonderful Life, actually."

"Well, that will definitely be on." Meredith nodded, but did not say anything else. As they went to the ER to take care of the paperwork and then went upstairs so that Ellis could get out of her scrubs. Meredith sat on the bench in the locker room, her knees drawn up again, wrapped up in her jacket, hat and scarf. She looked, suddenly, smaller than twelve.

* * *

Ellis awoke the next morning to noise just outside of her window. She lay there for a moment, to get her bearings. It always took her just a moment to realize where she was upon waking, whether it be in an on-call room or her bed. When she was awake, she went to the window and smiled as she looked out. Meredith was out with William and his three year old little brother, her wrist covered with her jacket and glove, making a snowman. She gently lifted the boy up to put the hat on top of the snow man.

Ellis got dressed and went downstairs to make breakfast. She was glad that Meredith was happy, she had been quiet for the rest of the night, and had gone to bed as soon as she ate. If the wrist hurt she wasn't telling her mother.

She made pancakes, bacon and eggs, a simple breakfast, and set it all out on the table before going to the front door. A snowball fight was in progress, and she opened the door just in time to see William dive behind the snowman to avoid being hit.

"Meredith! Breakfast!" she called; and Meredith looked up at her in surprise, dropping the snowball that she was holding.

"Seriously?"

"I'm home, I cook. Wipe your boots."

"Yeah, I know. I guess I just forgot," Meredith shrugged and removed her scarf. "What are we having?"

"Pancakes. Is your wrist doing okay? No pain?"

"No. It was a simple sprain. I'll be okay by the time school gets back in. shouldn't hurt anything."

"Twelve years old and self-diagnosing. What do you want to do today?"

"I did want to go to the Y, but that's out. Is the movie option still open?"

"Sure. What do you want to see?"

"Edward Scissorhands," Meredith responded immediately.

"Oh come on, I get enough blood and guts at work. What else is there?"

"Hamlet and Look Who's Talking Too."

"Would you settle for Hamlet?"

Meredith heaved a sigh, every inch the dramatic pre-teen. "If I must. I don't think I'm romantic enough for Shakespeare."

"Don't worry, Hamlet's not at all romantic."

"Okay then. Maybe then I won't have to read it in tenth grade. Just kidding," she added sheepishly when Ellis gave her a look.

After the movie, Meredith was balancing on a curb while Ellis dug the keys out. "Ophelia was stupid," she commented, holding her arms out. "I mean, seriously? Why kill yourself over some guy? Plus, if she really loved him she'd know him well enough to know that he was faking the crazy stuff."

"Sometimes people are pretty good at lying, Meredith," Ellis commented, unlocking the car. "Patients lie, all the time."

"Yeah. But still. Hey Mom? How come you never date?"

"Why are you asking me that?" Ellis asked, starting the car. "Do you want lunch?"

"Sure. I don't know. Just curious."

"Well, first of all, it's not as if I have hours of free time, as you well know. None of the men at the hospital are worth half as much as they think they are." Meredith snorted. "Exactly."

"Did you ever like any one? After Dad I mean," she added quietly.

Richard came up in Ellis's mind, but she quickly pushed him out. "I can't think of anyone. Why the sudden interest?"

"I don't know. All the girls at school are nuts over Sal Scalperillo but I don't even think he's cute. Most of the cute guys are in high school."

"Don't worry about boys, Meredith. You've got plenty of time for that." _And after all, I'm managing fine without them._

They spent a nice afternoon. They went to get lunch, and after that they went home. Ellis expected Meredith to disappear off to William's or upstairs where she would blast one of those insanely loud bands that she listened to, but instead she brought a book downstairs and curled up on the couch.

"What are you reading?" Ells asked, as she picked up a magazine.

"Pride and Prejudice. I like the beginning of it. I usually stop reading it once Lizzie becomes all crazy over Darcy. They're fun before that though."

"Only you, Meredith," Ellis sighed.

"And proud of it."

* * *

Late that night, Ellis went downstairs and slowly opened the hall closet door. Just behind the coats there was a small door that she hadn't bothered to tell Meredith about. It was just extra storage space, and she had a feeling that her daughter had probably found it at some point, but she still used it to hide presents.

She began to pull things out, swearing as she fought the coats. Eventually she had all of the boxes out and she put them under the tree, next to boxes from her sister and various other relatives who only seemed to remember them at Christmas. Her head scrub nurse, had also given her a present for Meredith. Once they were all piled under the tree she rose to go back to bed and came face-to-face with her daughter on the stairs.

"Oh, hi Mom," Meredith said, her good hand instantly going behind her back.

"Meredith, what a surprise. Weren't going to peek, were you?"

"Who me?" Meredith said, grinning. "Never…. Unless of course you're referring to the Duran Duran incident of '89."

Ellis rolled her eyes, and was about to shoo Meredith back up to bed when she heard the distinct sound of her pager coming from the hallway. She went to get it, and Meredith slipped past her into the living room.

She dialed the number on the pager. "Charlie? It's midnight on Christmas Eve. What do you want?"

"I'm sorry, Ellis, but we've had a pile up on the interstate and they're all coming here. We need as many hands as we can get."

"It's Christmas Eve, Charlie! Hell, now it's Christmas day!"

She heard Meredith come into the room, her bare feet pattering on the kitchen tile. "What is it, Mom?" she asked, pushing up on the counter.

"Just a second, Charlie. Crazy people are trying to make me work. Go on back to bed, Mer, I'm not going anywhere."

To her surprise Meredith shrugged. "If they need you," she said, "you should go. I mean, it'll still be Christmas later today."

"I'm not leaving you alone on Christmas, Meredith."

"Go," Meredith insisted. "I can come there if I get bored. I won't peek. Promise." She flashes an angelic smile that wouldn't fool anyone.

Ellis bit her lip and slowly nodded. "Charlie? Only until noon. Do you hear me? Noon and I'm leaving."

"I hear you. Thank you, Ellis."

He hung up and Ellis turned to Meredith who yawned. Watching her daughter slide off of the counter she noticed something. "You know, Meredith, I may have to take you bra shopping soon."

"Really?" Meredith said, obviously excited. "Great! Um…. Can I open one present before you go?"

"Of course. Come on." Ellis leads the way to the tree, and something catches her eye. A brightly wrapped package amidst all of the store-wrapped presents that she bought. "What's that?" she asked.

Meredith shrugged. "Something for you. But I want you to open it later, okay? Not when you're thinking about surgery. What can I open?"

Ellis pointed towards a package in the center of the pile and laughed as Meredith dove towards it. As she ripped it open she was reminded of when Meredith was five and they had their first Christmas alone. Of course, then the gift had been a dollhouse not—

"My own phone! Thank you, Mom!"

"You're welcome. Now this does not mean that you may spend the rest of your life in your room, but it does mean the phone won't keep disappearing up there."

Meredith laughed. "Okay. You should go. I'm going to go back to bed. I'll probably sleep, like, until you get back."

Ellis smiled and followed her daughter upstairs. Meredith placed the phone box on her bed-side table and climbed back under a mound of blankets. Ellis watched her for a minute before going to get dressed.

"You owe me, so much," she said to Charlie as she went up to him at the nurses' station. "I left my twelve-year-old on Christmas."

"Meredith will be all right, she's a tough kid," he said, in what he must have thought was a reassuring tone. Then he handed her a chart and she shifted from Mom to Dr. Grey.

It was three o'clock before she got out of the OR. She sped home and opened the door to the house. It was quiet, and she sniffed, smelling something burnt.

"Meredith?" she called, looking into the living room. The Christmas lights flashed at her, still unopened presents piled under the tree.

"Where were you?" came her daughter's voice from an armchair. "You said noon!"

"I'm sorry. I got pulled into a five hour surgery, at ten. I tried to leave but--."

Meredith snorted. "Yeah, sure. You always try Mom, but you never leave surgery for me."

"Meredith! Was it just me, or were you not encouraging me to go this morning?"

"Yeah, because I knew you'd be calling in every five minutes if you didn't. But noon was three hours ago. I made lunch, but it got messed up."

Ellis stepped further into the room. "What got messed up?"

Meredith looked away, towards the blank TV. "I tried to make the ham, but I burned it. I'm sorry."

"You should have waited for me!"

"I wanted to surprise you. It was stupid."

Ellis sighed. "Well, I'm here now. Do you want me to fix something?"

Meredith shrugged. "Sure. If you want to."

Ellis lingered for a moment, but then went into the kitchen to take stock. Meredith had evidently disposed of the doomed ham outside, because there was no sign of it but the dripping pans in the sink. All that she could find other than that was bread and cheese. Nadine obviously had not done the shopping. She hadn't been able to get a good housekeeper since Christine died years before.

"Grilled cheese okay?" she called in to Meredith, there was no response. "Grilled cheese it is."

The sandwiches were done when Meredith wandered into the room, sullenly sitting at the table. Ellis handed her a plate and sat down. They ate in silence for a few minutes before Ellis finally spoke. "Meredith? What do you want me to say? I'm sorry the surgery went over, even though you know I can't control it. What else is there?"

Meredith shrugged. "It's okay. Whatever. I just…."

"What?" Ellis pressed, putting her sandwich down.

"It just seems that you think surgery is more important than me."

"Oh Meredith," Ellis sighed. It was not true. Meredith was her life. Just sometimes, her daughter reminded her too much of Thatcher. Of what she had lost in Richard. Sometimes it was too much, and in surgery she did not have to focus on all of that. "That's absurd."

"I guess," Meredith muttered. "'m not really hungry. Can I finish opening my presents?"

"Sure," Ellis said. They went into the living room, and Meredith picked up a package. She did not have the enthusiasm that she had had that morning, but a few of the gifts did make her smile

"Thanks, Mom," she said. "You told Aunt Miriam my sizes, finally?"

"Yes. Like I said, I was with her when she shopped. Can I open that one?" she said, gesturing towards the gift that Meredith had placed under the tree.

Meredith shrugged. "I guess, if you want to. It's kind of dumb, but I saw it when I was out with Joanie McDonald and she thought it was funny." She picked up the present and handed it to her mother.

Ellis unwrapped it and pulled out a T-shurt. It had a stethoscope on it, with the words Dr. Mom in big white letters on a black background. Ellis laughed. "That's great, Meredith. Thank you."

"You're welcome. I'm gonna go put my stuff in my room."

She disappeared up the stairs, leaving Ellis holding the shirt. She really hadn't meant to take that long in her surgery. She wanted to be home for Meredith, but it had just happened. Just like Meredith growing up, it had just happened. She wasn't a little girl any more, she didn't forgive as easily.

She would understand though, one day.

It occurred to Ellis that she did not want Meredith to become a surgeon. She felt things deeply, and she thought about people. If she became a surgeon, she could lose that.

When Meredith finally came back downstairs she seemed to be in a better mood. She sat down by her mother on the couch, playing absent-mindedly with one of the pins on her Ace bandage.

"I'm taking New Year's off," Ellis said. "We could watch a movie instead of the ball drop, again."

Meredith looked down. "Actually, Ellen Kline is having a party, and she's really popular, and I was invited so--."

"Okay," Ellis said. "Another time then."

"Yeah."

That night, Ellis went to bad long after Meredith. She cleaned up torn wrapping paper, and made a list of relatives for Meredith to write thank you notes to. When she finally went upstairs, she went into Meredith's room. She was asleep. Gently Ellis pushed the hair off of her forehead and kissed Meredith on the forehead. She did not stir. Ellis wondered when it was that she had lost her little girl. Something had changed, and she feared that it was irrevocable.

As she looked up, she saw a picture on Meredith's night-stand that she had forgotten that Meredith had. It was from the summer Meredith was four. They all looked so happy, Meredith, Ellis and Thatcher. Even though Ellis knew that she would have been stressing over her residency and Richard, and Thatcher was already getting suspicious, in the picture they looked happy. There was a light in Meredith's eyes. One that she had gotten used to, and one, she realized, that had faded.

A/N Next chapter, Meredith is sixteen and Ellis wonders what the hell she did wrong. But then, sometimes, she knows.


	3. Sixteen

Ellis Grey walked into her house after a forty-eight hour shift at the hospital where she worked and was immediately deafened by the music coming from her fifteen-year-old daughter Meredith's stereo.

"Turn it down!" she yelled in greeting as she threw her purse onto a chair and took off a coat. A door slammed and the music was muffled, although there was no other response from her daughter. Ellis sighed. That was Meredith lately. She wasn't exactly disobedient, but anything Ellis didn't say straight out tended to be fair game. Not easy too control when she was not home often enough to give straight out orders constantly.

Ellis didn't linger in the living room. Renée, their current housekeeper had Fridays off, and also couldn't cook worth anything, so Ellis always cooked when she was home and often left Meredith take-out money. Tonight, she would cook. She had left strict instructions with the housekeeper to take the roast out to thaw, the girl had done this diligently, being fully aware of her own limitations in the kitchen. Ellis put in the roast and began opening cans for side dishes. It wasn't a royal feast, but it would serve to feed herself and her daughter.

Meredith finally wandered downstairs when the meal was nearly ready. Her hair was pulled back with a headband and she wore jeans and a plain white t-shirt. It was rather a conservative outfit for the fifteen-year-old and Ellis was pleasantly surprised.

"Smells good," Meredith commented, opening the refrigerator to pull out a can of soda.

"Thanks," Ellis commented, pouring water from a pitcher in the refrigerator for herself and setting the roast on the table. Meredith shrugged and sat down, beginning to serve herself. "Did anything interesting happen today?" Ellis asked, attempting to start a conversation. "Or yesterday," she added, referring to the fact that she had just come of a forty-eight hour shift.

Meredith shrugged again. "No. Well, there was a bomb threat yesterday, so we were herded into the gym for, like, three hours, but it was just some idiot wanting to get out of a chem test or something."

"I see. Who would think one test would have that much effect this close to the end of school?" Meredith shrugged. "Well, speaking of the end of school, I have some exciting news."

Meredith's head shot up curiously.

"Charlie asked me today to attend a convention in Seattle. Now I was thinking, you could go with me if you like; I could understand you wanting to go back there to visit places, but I was also thinking that maybe you would like to stay here on your own. I could give Renée the week off—"

"Or whoever our housekeeper is by then," Meredith interjected with a smirk.

Choosing to ignore this remark, Ellis continued, "And you could take care of yourself and the house for the week. How does that sound?"

"Cool," Meredith said, noncommittally. "I mean, better than going. I don't really want…. I like Boston better." She looked down at her plate, suddenly, stabbing rather harder than necessary at piece of meat.

Ellis sighed quietly to herself. She wasn't overly fond of the idea of going back to Seattle herself, and she was glad, to some degree, that Meredith didn't want to go. There was too much chance that the teenager would boldly attempt to have encounters that didn't need do be had.

"Okay then. It's the second week in June, just after you get out of school. But there's something else, a little bit closer at hand that I wanted to talk to you about as well. Very close at hand, actually."

Meredith perked up again. "You really have had a lot of time to think, Mom," she teased. "Boring shift?"

"You have no idea. Anyway, someone's sixteenth birthday is exactly two weeks from today, I believe."

"It is," Meredith agreed, with a small smile.

"I was thinking that we should do something."

"We should?" Meredith asked, her head cocked slightly, putting her fork down. "Like what?"

"Oh, I don't know," Ellis said, standing up to start clearing the table. "A party of some sort."

"Oh," Meredith said, as she came over to the sink with her plate. "Oh, okay."

"Were you expecting something else?" Ellis asked, with one eyebrow raised.

"No," Meredith said quickly. "Parties are good. I like parties."

"I know," Ellis agreed. _Sometimes a little too much_. "Anyway, I figured that you could invite maybe ten or twelve kids, and the girls could spend the night afterwards. We could move the furniture back in the living room for a dance floor, if you like."

"Yeah, that'd be great. Let's see, there's the Donaldson twins, and their boyfriends, Hannah, Kate, Louise, David, Joshua…. Oh and Kyle Hobbs! If Kate's coming he'd totally come. Maybe if I invite him Wilson Davis would come. Can we make it fourteen? Because Leslie Morgan spreads gossip about you if you don't at least invite her to a party, and Jerone Wilkins is getting an exchange student who's totally hot and--."

Ellis had tuned out most of this outpouring of a guest list, but the lack of a few names startled her. "What about William? Or Jane?"

Meredith's nose wrinkled. "I dunno. Will's not exactly friends with my friends and Jane's always with those drama geeks. They're just not into the kind of things I am anymore."

Ellis nodded. She had forgotten how much loyalties changed between junior high and high school, she supposed. Still, it didn't seem that long ago that her daughter had been having sleepovers with only Jane Arden, the shy and artistic girl who was on the swim team with her, or making up stories with the boy-next-door.

"Okay, fourteen, but that's it. I mean it!" Ellis added as Meredith grabbed up the kitchen phone.

"Okay, no more. I get it." Meredith dialed as Ellis began the dishes. Normally she'd tell Meredith to do it, citing such reasons as the fairly good allowance she got, and the fact that Ellis had just had two days of saving lives, but there was an excitement within her daughter that made her silently go about the chore.

"Hannah? It's Meredith, guess what?" The words came out practically as one. "I'm having, like, an actually party for my birthday! Like with guys, and stuff. Yeah, no, it was her idea! Well go ask them already, it won't be a party of you're not there!" Meredith put the phone against her parents, and surprisingly spoke to Ellis. "Her parents, are like, totally conservative. They'll be all worried about supervision and sh—stuff."

"Nice catch. There will be supervision."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "What, like, Renée? It's a Friday, biggest car crash night of the week."

"Uh-huh. Well, I'm not sure what you were counting on, but I'm going to be there. Renée doesn't understand the value of that lamp in the living room, among other things."

Meredith shrugged. "Okay. Whatever." She put the phone back up to her ear and a second later Hannah was back on the line. "Yeah, my mom's gonna be here. I know, right? But whatever. Tell your parents it's fine. 'kay, I gotta go call everyone else—"

"And do your homework."

"Yeah, sure Mom. Bye Hannah."

Meredith hung the phone up and ran up the stairs. Ellis sighed. She had no doubt that the homework would not be done. Meredith's grades were okay, nothing spectacular, but not bad enough to justify a full-tilt argument about them this close to the end of school. She tested well.

Half an hour later Ellis was heading up the stairs to go to bed. She could hear the music again coming from Meredith's room, something which had words that were barely understandable. She had no idea how her daughter could listen to that, particularly when she knew that the girl also enjoyed the Beatles and other records that she thought would not be missed when she "borrowed" them.

"Good night Meredith!" Ellis called, over the noise.

"Night Mom!" Meredith called. "And thanks!"

Ellis smiled a little and went into her room. She was exhausted. The shift had included several nerve-racking surgeries two of which had been completely unsuccessful. One they weren't sure about, one of the on-call interns was assigned to monitor the patient carefully and she would call in the next morning to check.

Now she changed into her nightclothes and fell gratefully into her bed, but as soon as her head touched the pillow she started thinking. She was slightly worried about this whole party idea, but as soon as she realized how close Meredith's sixteenth birthday was she remembered her own sweet sixteen, years and years ago. It wasn't exactly the perfect 'get swept off your feet' memory, but it had been a nice party. Meredith deserved something.

That's what she thought then, anyway, although twenty four hours later she wouldn't be quite so sure.

"What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't, that's what you want to hear right? What you hear from all of your precious patients? I _wasn't_ thinking."

"Meredith, that's pretty damn obvious," Ellis said, gripping the steering wheel tightly as she attempted to navigate rush hour traffic in Boston. She had been called away from the hospital by the high school principal when her genius of a daughter had been caught smoking behind the bleachers with a group of students who all had rap sheets as long as some of the charts she'd filed as an intern.

"I don't see what your problem is, it's not like I'm doing crack or a chain smoker. I was just hanging out. At least I went to school," she added, referring to a period of time just after Christmas when she had evidently decided that she didn't need school and had just not gone. She managed it for an entire week before the school reached Ellis. There hadn't been any incidents since then and Ellis had thought it was over.

Trust Meredith to prove her wrong.

"Are you implying that there is any time recently in which you did not go to school? Because if so, Meredith Grey-."

"Relax," Meredith said, leaning her head against the car window. "I've been a good girl and gone to school "

Ellis pulled up to a traffic light and turned to study her daughter. She was skinny, but not overly so, no signs of anorexia. She had on heavy eye make-up and there were some barely within dress code alterations to her school uniform.

"Meredith, good is not an adjective that I would consider using right now, if I were you."

"Whatever." Meredith said, and Ellis caught the eye roll out of the corner of her own eye.

"That tone is not helping you in any way. I honestly don't see what motivates you to do these things. You have such potential Meredith, you could make better grades than you have if you just put a little bit more effort into your studies."

"Yeah? Well, what if I don't want to? What if I'm happy with average? I don't see why you care."

"I care because you are my daughter and I raised you to want more than…. Than whatever the hell it is you're doing right now."

"Whatever," Meredith said again, turning away and seeming to turn within herself.

The Boston accent she had developed over the years was suddenly more obvious to Ellis's ears than it had ever been and she realized how much her daughter had become a part of the city in a way that she had not. It was strange to think this, at that moment, when she was so filled with annoyance bordering on rage, but it made her realize something. What she wanted was the daughter she had brought from Seattle, the child, undamaged. This Meredith, this teenager, was damaged and changed by time, the accent a mark of the roughness within her.

Not that Ellis could really understand why it existed, or at least that she wanted to, because she had tried. She had tried to be both mother and father and keep her career going. Sometimes she wondered what got lost and why. When she received a letter with a job offer which she knew that she could not take she thought that it was the career she had sacrificed, but a part of her knew with every awards banquet she attended on the night of a parent-teacher conference that this was not the case.

"What's my sentence?" Meredith asked gloomily as they approached the house.

Ellis pulled into the driveway, but did not kill the motor all the way; instead she sat back in her seat and looked at her daughter once more. "I don't know, Meredith. A part of me wants to just let you go make your mistakes and oh well. That seems to be what you want, isn't it?" Meredith did not look at her, only stared out the window. The silence was far more than uncomfortable. "But I can't do that, because I am your mother. I'm of a mind to call off your birthday party."

This at least got a reaction out of Meredith; she turned her head, blonde hair falling into her eyes, and ran one finger along the face of her watch. "But you're not?" she asked, cautiously, not looking into her mother's eyes.

"I'm not. You are, however, grounded until your birthday and for the week after. And I will know if you leave, even if I'm not here. Your phone privileges are also on-hold."

"Mom!"

"No, Meredith. You will do your homework when you are home. You may see your friends at school. End of story. Now I have to get back to the hospital. I have a very nervous man whose anesthetic was put on hold because I had to go bail my daughter out of the principal's office."

She saw a small smirk come over her daughter's face as she got out of the car and slammed the door without another word. She went up the steps and into the house. Ellis watched the front door close behind her and sighed, pulling out of the driveway.

She should have made her daughter cancel the party. Rationally, she knew that. Still, the fact remained that the night before her daughter had been, well, her daughter. She had been happy and had even thanked Ellis for the party. That wasn't something she heard too often any more.

"Who are we shopping for here, Meredith?" Ellis called up the stairs, checking her watch. She had a shift in three hours, but she had agreed to take her daughter grocery shopping for this party, the logistics of which were beginning to catch up with her.

"Sorry!" Meredith cried as she came down the stairs, a ponytail holder in one hand. "If you'd just let me go out on my own already we wouldn't be having this problem!"

"Nice try," Ellis said dryly and headed for the door.

"Thought I'd make an attempt," Meredith said sheepishly. She was in a good mood. One that didn't involve slamming doors and accusations. Ellis was beginning to hope that maybe spending time with her daughter today would possibly not make her want to throw something. It was progress.

"Do you have a list?" she asked as she turned on the car.

Meredith shrugged. "Not really. Sodas, chips, salsa, sugar…."

"I take it you're planning on just ordering pizza and not asking what's-his-name to cook?"

Meredith scrunched up her nose. "What's-his-name?"

"Oh you know, the man across the street, with the grill, who always barbecues and likes you. Can't imagine why…."

"Oh. Patrick. Mom, he moved, like six months ago."

"Are you sure?" Ellis asked. "I did notice that he wasn't out much this summer."

"And this is why you never attend block parties," Meredith quipped, with a sigh. "Can I drive?"

"Not with a B in Driver's Ed, you can't. Talk to me after you bring that one up."

"Seriously? It's an 89."

"Would you rather have--."

"A surgeon who barely passed med school or one who had top grades, I know, I know. I get it!"

"Can we _please_ leave the attitude for, oh, I don't know, thirty minutes and get this shopping done, Meredith?"

"Fine. 'm sorry, I guess. I'm being facetious." Meredith admitted, playing with the cuff of the black jacket she was wearing. Ellis wasn't even about to chance mentioning that it was May and too damn hot for a black jacket, but she couldn't help thinking it.

"And as Meredith makes this admittance, hell freezes over."

"And yet you constantly wonder where my attitude comes from," Meredith shot back.

They sat in silence, although not as tense as they could have been, until Ellis pulled into the supermarket parking lot. "You have an hour," she said, as she locked the car. "And all purchases go through me. It's a sad part of the 'parental supervision' thing." Meredith rolled her eyes, but it was good natured.

Ellis got a cart and walked slowly into the store behind her daughter who darted in and made a beeline for the snack foods.

As she began piling in brightly colored packages Ellis cleared her throat. "Not that I have any doubt about the incredible appetites of teenagers, but what are we going to do with all of this if your friends don't eat it?"

"Um…. Give it to Renée? She could use some fattening up," Meredith said, throwing a bag of salsa chips into the buggy.

Ellis should not have found this funny. She should be the mother and discourage this housekeeper bashing. But she could. She laughed, putting her hand over her mouth. Meredith looked up from the Oreo shelf and raised an eyebrow. Then she tossed two bags of Double Stuf in the cart and walked on.

They bypassed anything that could seem remotely healthy, except one small vegetable platter that Ellis insisted on.

"Okay," Meredith said, eyeing it warily, "But no one's gonna touch it."

"And it's the one thing in that buggy that I am perfectly happy to have lying around the house for the next two months."

Meredith shrugged and moved onto the sodas. Ellis watched as she had a very amusing Pepsi vs. Coke argument with herself, before settling on two of each, which also included their many other products. Ellis had planned on doing the rest of their grocery shopping for the week during this trip as well, but the full buggy made her deter, and pocket her list to post on the fridge for the housekeeper.

It took Ellis, Meredith and two bag boys to load the groceries in her car. Even burdened down with bags of soda Ellis noticed her daughter's interactions with these boys. Her eyelids fluttered, she giggled. Her daughter was flirting. And, judging by the boys smiles, was good at it. She wondered why she hadn't noticed that before, but then it had been a while since she had seen her daughter with other teenagers. Mostly she went out.

They drove home in companionable silence, without the touchiness that had been there since the start of Meredith's grounding. Renée came outside to help unload the car and they put away some of the groceries, the snacks and chips they left on the counter because there simply wasn't room in the cabinets.

"Renée," Ellis said, to the middle-aged woman as she put the last of the sodas on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator, "I'll need you to go and do the rest of the shopping. Here's the list."

"Can I go, Mom?" Meredith asked, quickly. "I'm afraid I'll wither away from lack of vitamin D!"

"We had fish last night, you're fine," Ellis countered. "That, and I don't think the market wants their bag boys to be that distracted."

Meredith pouted. "But I almost made one drop an entire bag of soda on his foot. It was fun!"

"Go upstairs and finish that report you mentioned to me. On King Lear, wasn't it?"

"Macbeth, and I knew I was going to be sorry I mentioned it," Meredith grumbled heading towards the stairs.

When Ellis heard the door close she looked back at Renée. "You are watching her, aren't you?"

"Yes ma'am. She spends most of the time in her room. Watches TV with me some. I mean, since I have it on when I clean. No need to worry."

"Okay. Good. I'm going to go change." As she passed Meredith's door she once again heard the deafening music, along with distinct sounds of typing coming from Meredith's computer. Maybe, for once, she had been listened to.

Noise. That was the only word that Ellis could describe the sounds coming from the living room while Meredith adjusted the stereo she had been given for her birthday.

"Someone's going to call the cops on us just for that," she muttered to herself, taking a carrot from the vegetable platter, which Meredith and her friend Hannah had hidden away in the kitchen while they set up for the party.

"Think that's loud enough?" she heard Meredith call over the din.

"Yes!" she called back, although she suspected that Hannah's answer was going to be different. "We have neighbors, Meredith!"

"Okay!"

Ellis sighed and bit into her carrot as the doorbell rang. Both girls squealed and ran to the door. She heard it being ripped open.

"Hi Wilson," she heard her daughter almost coo, come on in, there's food and stuff in the living room. And-/"

"And her mother in the kitchen," Ellis interjected, standing up and going into the foyer to get a look at the boy. He was tall, with black hair, and what was that? Three piercings in his left ear. Wonderful. "Nice to meet you, Wilson."

Meredith glared at her from behind the boy, but he smiled and held out his hand. "Nice to meet you too, Mrs. Grey."

"Dr. Grey," Meredith and Ellis both corrected automatically.

"Oh, right. Sorry," the boy smiled at Meredith and made beeline for the chip bowl in the living room. Before Meredith could say anything to her mother the doorbell rang again and she lunged for it.

Ellis remained in the foyer to look at these people who were supposedly her daughter's friends. Several of them had unnaturally colored hair, or random piercings, but they seemed decent enough.

Once they had all arrived she retreated back into the kitchen and attempted to read a medical journal article that one of her residents had pointed out to her. She had had it set aside for nearly a month waiting to have time to focus on it. This wasn't exactly opportune with the cacophony surrounding her, but it would do.

She almost didn't hear the phone ring, and she had no idea how Meredith did except that her teenage daughter was specially wired to respond to all ringing phones, but Meredith stuck her head in the kitchen to announce: "Mom! Phone's ringing!"

Ellis looked up, startled, and went to the kitchen extension.

"Hello?" she said, sticking her finger in one ear to block out the noise from the party.

"Ellis, it's Charlie. We need you. We had a pile-up on the bridge. Five year old with extensive injuries. If you pull off the recovery it'll put you on the map for that UN job that'll be open as soon as Heraldson kicks it. Or anything else for that matter."

"Charlie!" Ellis said in alarm. "I have fourteen teenagers in my living-room, none of whom I trust, and you expect me to leave?"

"Don't you trust your kid, Ellis?" Charlie asked, possibly in surprise. There was silence, as he evidently thought for a minute. "Oh. Yeah. Meredith. Seriously though, Ellis, it's an opportunity. Call your housekeeper or something and get her to keep an eye on the vagabonds."

Ellis looked over her shoulder into the living-room. Most of the kids were dancing, though a few had a game of Jenga going on in the corner. Meredith was talking animatedly with he-of-the-three-piercings. She sighed. In two years Meredith would be in college and she really didn't want to stay at Boston after that. When she thought of all of the opportunities she had turned down over the years, well it added up.

Ellis braced her forehead between her thumb and ring-finger, leaning against the counter. "Let me call Renee. If I'm there, I'll be there within half an hour."

"Okay, Ellis."

She hung up the phone and dialed the housekeeper's number from the list on the cabinet. "Renee? It's Ellis. I need a favor. The hospital's called me in, and as you know it's Meredith's birthday. Things seem okay, but if you could come by and take over for me I'd appreciate it. I'll pay you for it, of course," she added grimly realizing that the woman would probably need incentive.

"Um, okay. I can't get over there for, like, an hour, because I'll have to take the kids to my mother's, but--."

"That'll have to do," Ellis broke in. "Thank you." She hung up quickly and swallowed. "Meredith!" she called into the living-room. "Meredith, come here!"

Her daughter came slowly into the room. "Mom, what is it?" she asked, putting one hand on the doorjamb.

"All the way in, and close the door."

"Mom--."

"I have to go to the hospital, Meredith," she said quickly, Meredith's jaw dropped. "I don't want to, but I have to. There was a major accident on the bridge."

"Friday night," Meredith offered up.

"Yes. Renee is coming to take over the supervision role, but she won't be here for a while. Under no circumstances are your friends to know that I've gone anywhere for an extended period of time, understand? I'm trusting you here, Meredith. Don't make me lose that trust."

"Mom, don't worry," Meredith said casually. "I'll take care of things."

"Okay. Well, I've got to go. Don't you dare do anything you wouldn't do if I were here, got it?"

"Got it. Bye." Meredith said, going back into the living room. Ellis sighed, doubt lingering in her, but she went to the front door and made her way outside. She'd parked at the end of the street so as not to get blocked in, just in case, and was now grateful of that. As she got in she suddenly realized that she hadn't said happy birthday to Meredith before she left. Well, she'd remember when she got back, hopefully before the birthday was over.

"Dr. Grey, phone for you at the nurses' station," an intern reported as Ellis pulled her gloves off in the OR.

Dread filled Ellis and she scrubbed out quickly before going to the phone that a harried looking nurse was holding out for her.

"Dr. Grey speaking," she said, nervously.

"Ellis? It's Linda Dawson."

Ellis's heart sank. "Yes?" she said, attempting to be pleasant.

"Ellis, I think you need to come home right away, Meredith's friends seem to be getting completely out of hand. I can hear their music from my living-room, and there are cars all over the yard. I tried calling over there, but no one answered, probably because they couldn't hear the phone."

Meredith could always hear a phone.

"I left my housekeeper with them, Linda, I'm sure that there is nothing to worry about," Ellis snapped, although those were not her true feelings. "Thank you for your call, I'm sure that you were just concerned. I'll take care of whatever may be going on." She then abruptly hung up.

"Tell Charlie I'm gone," she told a nurse. "Have Jones round on my post-ops. I'll be in at six as scheduled." The nurse nodded and Ellis quickly went to change into her street clothes before making a beeline for the parking garage.

The entire ride home she was attempting to reassure herself that there couldn't be anything really wrong going on, that the neighbor was just exaggerating, but she had immense doubts. Something about the way that Meredith had shooed her out the door, for one put her one edge. As she got closer she began thinking of suitable punishments for the girl if the party was indeed out of control.

If only they had a basement she could be chained up in, Ellis mused. And no child endangerment laws, of course.

As soon as she turned onto their street she knew that all was not well. There were cars all over the place pointing towards her house, and teenagers all over the yard. This was definitely not fourteen people.

Ellis parked and got out of her car as near to the house as she could manage. She passed by one car in which two teenagers looked as if they had melded into one. Outraged, she banged on the window.

"Get out of my driveway!" she insisted, angrily.

As she approached the front steps she saw another group, cigarettes hanging out of their mouths. One boy was leaning against the railing nonchalantly, a beer can in his hand. In one motion Ellis grabbed it from him angrily and pushed her way through the door.

The music was deafening, and the lights in the living-room had been dimmed. There were people everywhere, many of them with alcohol. Pushing herway through the sea, Ellis fought her way to the stereo and managed to unplug it. There were cries and shouts of irritation.

"All of you, out of my house!" she yelled. "I could easily call most of your parents, but I won't if you just get the hell out of here!"

They began to scatter, and she began to search through the mess for her daughter. There had yet to be any kind of indignant scream of "Mom!" or "Oh my God, Meredith, you're mom's back!" so she did not expect to find her either in the living-room or kitchen.

Prepared for pretty much anything, she made her way up the stairs, past people going down them. She went into the hallway, and saw Meredith's room was closed. She pushed the door open, hard, and two people fell backwards onto Meredith's bed. Her daughter, and he-of-the-three-piercings.

Ellis had just enough time to thank God for the fact that both had their clothes on before Meredith righted herself and realized what was going on.

"Mom!" she cried, eyes opening wide. "Oh shit," she muttered, glancing at the beer can her mother had not yet thrown away. "I told them not to bring the booze."

That was the last straw for Ellis, she glared murderously at her daughter. "Wilson, I think you should leave now, and make sure all the rest of your friends do the same. I would say that Meredith will call you, but I believe that she won't be allowed any where near a phone for quite a while."

"Um… right." The boy said, walking past Ellis and out of Meredith's room. Meredith gave him a half-hearted wave, before falling back to sit on her bed.

"Meredith Grey, what the hell was going through your head tonight?" she demanded, standing above her daughter with her hand on her hip. "What gave you the idea that because I left to perform one surgery that you could invite the entire high school to our house like this? Did you even have any consideration for the fact that I had expressly forbidden you to have more than fourteen people, let alone beer and being alone in your room with some boy?"

Meredith didn't look at her, just scowled.

"Meredith, I want an answer!"

"I didn't think you'd even notice!" Meredith replied angrily, thrusting one fist against a pillow. "You get so wrapped up in your stupid surgeries, I figured by the time you got back you wouldn't even remember that it had been my birthday! You think this stupid party even meant anything to me?" She added standing up and meeting Ellis's eyes. "You think it makes up for all the shit that happens when my mother is never home, and when you are it's all 'woe is me, I'm the best god-damned surgeon ever but life's so fucking hard!"

"Meredith!" Ellis yelled, outraged. "Shut your mouth right now!"

"You wanted an answer!" Meredith retorted. "But I guess the truth is just too hard for you to face!"

"You're grounded!" Ellis burst out. "Until school's out, and you're coming wih me to Seattle because I don't trust you to stay here by yourself."

"Fine!" Meredith said.

"And you're spending tomorrow cleaning up this house, I don't want there to any signs left whatsoever of this travesty that you call a party!"

"Whatever."

Ellis couldn't think of anything else to say to her daughter, so she stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. The hooligans that had trashed her house were gone, and so she went downstairs and grabbed the kitchen phone extension, angrily dialing Renee's number.

"Hello?"

"Renee! It's Ellis Grey, what the hell happened to you?"

"Dr. Grey!" she said, in obvious surprise. "Meredith called and said that the party was winding down and the boys were leaving. She said she'd checked with you and you said there was no poin to my coming out. I would have come anyway, but I think Josh is sick and---."

"You believed my sixteen-year-old daughter when she told you that there was no need for you to supervise her party. Are you insane?" Ellis scowled. "No, don't answer that. Look, Renee, I'm sorry, but right now I'm going to need someone who isn't so easily fooled by a head-strong teenager. I'd appreciate it if you started looking for a different postion."

There was a momentary silence on the other end. "Oh. Okay. I'll do that. Good bye then."

"Good bye Renee." Ellis hung up the phone and turned around to survey the destruction in her living room.

She wanted to start cleaning it up, but she had told Meredith that she was responsible for it, and so she left it, closing herself in her room. From her daughter's room, she could hear Meredith in her bed, and it sounded like she was crying. Ellis wanted to go to her, but she couldn't. They were both too angry to resolve anything. Maybe in Seattle, she thought.

The next day, when she returned home from her shift Meredith had dyed her hair pink and she was too tired to yell at her for going out to buy the dye. She found out, a long time later, that Meredith had actually coerced one of the boys from the market to bring it to her, and that Hannah (also grounded) had snuck out of her house to help Meredith do it.

Sometimes she wondered if her daughter ever absorbed anything Ellis did or said, and sometimes she thought that Meredith absorbed too much.

A/N Sorry for the delay. Something's up with the linebreak thing...

Review!


	4. Twenty Two

Ellis dropped her pen hard on the desk when she heard the front door slam. Meredith was home. She took a deep breath and then stood, daring to venture into the hallway. Her daughter stood in the doorway, a dufflebag dropped on either side, and her hands on her hips.

"I cannot believe," she said, with a scowl, "That you made me do that." She dug around in her pocket and pulled out a package of cigarettes.

"Outside," Ellis demanded. "And I thought that you quit smoking."

"I did. That's how bad that whole thing was!" Meredith exclaimed, angrily pushing her hair away from her face and taking a drag on the cigarette. She leaned on the railing of the porch and blew out. Ellis grabbed the cigarette from her hand and tossed it out into the bushes.

"You'll thank me, at some point," Ellis said, in response to her daughter's glare. Meredith raised an eyebrow and shook her head, tossing her choppy blonde hair out of her eyes, again. Ellis didn't understand how she could wear it that way, but it was better then pink.

"Yeah. Mind telling me again why you wouldn't go to that reunion?"

"I'm writing a book," Ellis said, resting her hands on the other side of the porch railing.

"Uh huh. Otherwise known as, you love to see me suffer." Meredith grumbled. She leaned over the railing and sighed, her shoulders dropping under her denim blue jacket. "They don't look at me Mom. No one but Aunt Miriam spoke to me. All they do is whisper about me. It's ridiculous." She turned to her mother. "And before you start, yeah, I know, I've done a lot of stupid stuff. But seriously, can't they give me any semblance of a chance?"

Ellis sighed, and turned to her daughter, leaning an elbow on the railing. "Meredith…. I'm your mother, and therefore perhaps the most judgmental of your lifestyle."

Meredith sighed and looked away.

"Meredith, look at me please." Meredith obeyed, running her hand through her hair. "Okay. Look. We've disagreed on things, Heaven knows. But I, for one, think that you have potential. I'm not telling you this to convince you to do anything. I'm not stupid. But I am telling you that there is more that you could be doing with your life. And you can do it.

"What I'm saying is, I don't think that you're worthy of your disdain, but I think you lifestyle is. When was the last time you kept a job longer than three weeks, Mer?"

"Um…. The temp thing, maybe three months ago," Meredith admitted, probably caught off guard by the question.

Ellis nodded, and fiddled with her watch. She had forgotten where she was going with that question. She looked up at Meredith, hoping to remember.

"Mom? You okay?" Meredith said, taking a step towards her.

"Huh? What do you mean, Meredith? I'm fine. Of course I'm fine. What do you want for dinner?"

Meredith gave her a concerned look, but Ellis turned away from her and went into the house.

"Oh," she said, suddenly, reaching out a hand, "And give me those cigarettes." Meredith heaved a sigh and handed her the back, Ellis went back into her office and tossed the package into the trashcan, staring at the paper and attempting to remember where she was.

She heard Meredith moving through the house, and then after a while she began to hear cupboard doors slam, and then pots and pans. "Meredith!" she called. "You're not trying to cook, are you? I don't want to have to call the fire department!"

"I'm making grilled cheese, Mom! I think I can handle it!" Meredith called back, sounding put-out. "Where's the oil?"

"I don't know! Find it yourself, I'm writing a book!"

She could have sworn she heard a mutter that sounded something like: "Well aren't we hoity-toity", and she laughed. Meredith had been around her cousin Edith too long that weekend.

It wasn't just that she hadn't wanted to go to the reunion. Of course, she hadn't. wanted to go, but there was more to that. She was writing a book. And there were other things. There were always other things.

So she made Meredith go. Meredith needed something to occupy her time with, besides getting drunk and getting kicked out of her apartment, and so Meredith went. And now Meredith was back in her old room until she could find a job, or an apartment, or both. She knew that Meredith included in that list 'or a boyfriend' but Ellis didn't. That was too temporary when it came to Meredith.

"Dinner!" Meredith called, and Ellis shook herself out of her thoughts. It didn't seem that it had been long enough for Meredith to make grilled cheese, let alone the four grilled cheese that sat on a platter on the table. As Ellis stepped into the kitchen she saw her daughter stepping in front of the trashcan, and Ellis saw the lone blackened grilled cheese.

Meredith turned around and blushed sheepishly. "I had to pee," she said. "I'd just put it in…" she trailed off and pushed the trashcan back under the sink.

"Well…." Ellis said, "At least you didn't set off the fire alarm."

Meredith scowled, for just a second, and then she burst into laughter. "Yeah," she said. "You're right about that."

They sat down together and began their meal, with a companionable silence that was nice. Ellis had to admit that the sandwiches weren't bad, if a little crisp around the edges.

"I do believe that you have finally found something that you can cook," she proclaimed. Meredith smiled, shyly. It made her look truly pretty. Ellis watched her, and for just a second she could see the little girl in the grown woman.

"Well…. College. I had to be able to eat something that wasn't pizza and take-out," Meredith said. "And in my two-by-four apartment."

_Which you can no longer pay rent on,_ Ellis thought, but she bit her tongue. She wasn't going to say it, she wasn't going to ruin this moment. There might not be many of them left….

"Ah, I see. Well, it's not bad. Experience taught you well. Although, I wouldn't say you had a future in making grilled cheese."

She worried about Meredith taking this wrong as soon as she said it, but Meredith laughed. "Well, that's one thing that I can cross off of my list, I guess. Damn, and I had my heart set on it. I guess I shouldn't open a restaurant."

Ellis laughed. It had been years since they had had a really casual conversation.

There was silence for another minute, and when Ellis looked up she saw that Meredith's face had changed. She was staring at her cheese sandwich thoughtfully.

"Mer? What are you thinking about?"

Meredith seemed startled, but she put her sandwich down and looked up at her mother. "Mom? Can I ask you something? And you can judge, but don't tell me what you think now, okay? Because I don't know what I think. Tell me… tomorrow, I guess. I just need to say this aloud. Okay?"

Ellis put her napkin to her lips and dabbed, before setting it down on her plate and nodding "Okay."

"All right. When I was a little kid, for as far back as I can remember, I wanted to be a surgeon like you. Yeah, sure, when I was really little I was just emulating you and I never understood what the hell my father did." She paused, and looked away. "Sorry. Anyway. I guess, it was just being a kid then. But when I got older, I spent a lot of time at the hospital. I mean, you know that. I really saw what it was that you did. And I still wanted to do it.

"I think I eventually just gave it up. I guess I thought I just wasn't good enough. That I was better off just trying to find something else. Except that I don't think that there is anything else for me. It's in my blood, Mom," she added with a smirk. "I think…. I think I want to go to med school."

Ellis could not say that she was shocked. She had known at one time that this was Meredith's ultimate goal. But she had thought that she had given it up.

"Before you say anything, which actually means before tomorrow, remember please that I had the grades in college. I managed that somehow. I had the prereqs. I have at least one counselor who likes me, even if she thinks I'm somewhat of a nutcase. And, not to brag but, you are my mother. I could get in. And I think I could do it."

"Well, that is something to think about, isn't it?" Ellis said, standing up and taking both of their plates and the platters to the kitchen. "I'll get back to you then, tomorrow."

"Mom, don't be like this. Can't we talk?" Meredith said, standing up and putting a hand on Ellis's shoulder.

Ellis turned to her. "We'll talk tomorrow. Do me a favor and take out the trash. That burnt grilled cheese is going to stink up the entire house."

She turned away, but not soon enough to miss the slight droop in Meredith's shoulders.

"Do you need the phone?" Meredith asked, when she came back and as Ellis was washing the dishes. "I'm going to call Tucker."

"Go ahead."

Meredith nodded, and glanced around. "Um… Where's the extension?"

Ellis threw her hands up. "Oh for God's sake, Meredith, do something on your own for once!" she exclaimed, and retreated to her office. She was writing a book.

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"No." Ellis said, as soon as Meredith walked into the living room the next morning.

"God, Mom, it's like seven o'clock, can't you even wait for me to get coffee before you give an ultimatum?" Meredith said drowsily. "Honestly Tucker is such a fuc—an ass. He kept me up until four on the phone. He's got a new guy or something I don't know." She went into the kitchen and began brewing coffee. Ellis wondered if she hadn't really been serious about the med school thing, or if she really was that tired.

Fifteen minutes later, her daughter returned, with two mugs of coffee. She held one out to Ellis, who took it, and then she sat on the sofa opposite her mother.

"Okay. You said no. So I say, why, right? Isn't that how this works?"

Ellis blew on her coffee, and the steam wafts away from her, in the direction of her daughter. "I suppose so, yes. Meredith, what is there in your history that is supposed to make me think that you could handle medical school itself, let alone actually being a doctor? You're flaky, Meredith. You admit that you haven't held down a job in months, you just lost your apartment. You had a less than stellar reputation in college.

"You don't have the right character to be a surgeon, either. You could not take it Meredith. You care about people to much, whether you are willing to admit it or not. And you take things personally.

"So even if you could make it in medical school, which you probably could as you have somehow managed to make it in every other school thus far, you would never make it in the real world of surgery. It would be a waste of money to pay for med school and just have you wash-out."

Meredith nods, slowly, her eyes darkening. "Yeah. Yeah, I figured you'd say all of that. But here's the thing, Mom. The reason that I've failed at every job so far? Because they were boring and meaningless. The only thing that has any meaning for me is surgery. I know you understand that. And there are surgeons in this world who aren't driven machines. I know that's hard for you to admit, since you're one yourself, but I assure you it's possible." Her tone was rising steadily, and eventually she stood from the sofa.

"And yeah, maybe I haven't been the best person in the past, but can't you even give me a chance? You said yesterday that you thought that I had potential. You didn't say for what. Isn't it possible that that potential could be for being a surgeon? Or is that just too hard for you to accept?"

"Meredith! I've given you plenty of chances over the years, let me tell you. Can you give me even one time when you have ever come out shining from one of those? Need I bring up your sixteenth birthday party? Or your little roadtrip to Florida that spring break that involved the wrecking of my car? I'm pretty sure that every chance I've ever given you has ended up in me regretting it, as a mater of fact."

Meredith stared at her, and Ellis saw something like hurt pass over her daughter's face. She stepped back, and turned away, before heading up the stairs. Ellis sighed and put a hand to her forehead. And there was another thing. If Meredith were to be a surgeon, she could never run from confrontation like that.

Ellis placidly drained her coffee mug, listening carefully to make sure that Meredith wasn't destroying anything in her room, and then went into her office. She couldn't concentrate on her book, however. Her mind was wandering, aided, perhaps, by the pictures on her desk of Meredith.

One was taken when her daughter was three or so, at Christmas. She was covered in wrapping paper, with a bow stuck on her forehead and she was grinning happily, a toy stethoscope in her hand. Ellis sighed and looked away from this picture. For a long time she had wanted her daughter to become a surgeon, but as Meredith grew up she proved her wrong.

With a pang, she remembered the preteen girl who stayed awake just to hear the stories of her mother's surgeries. She had been so determined then, so focused on school. Ellis had thought that it was all in the bag. And then she hit high school.

Ellis herself had never been that wild in high school. Of course there had been parties, but nothing like what her daughter did. She had never imagined doing anything remotely scandalous, and she hadn't. Not until Richard, anyway. She didn't like to think about Richard, but she was more and more, because the letter from the chief of Seattle Grace was still on her desk. He had informed her that in a year or so he would be retiring and he thought that she might like the position.

Of course, she couldn't take it. Seattle held too many memories. And she was writing a book. She had left the UN to write her book, and she was writing her book. And her daughter was living with her again and wanted to go to medical school.

But Richard might be offered the position if Ellis didn't take it. He was in New York, she knew, teaching students at a hospital up there. He had a renowned reputation, and she had thought about wandering into his hospital while she was in New York. Surely he would have changed, but then, so had she. Fifteen years changed people. She never did it though. Cowardice, perhaps,

Thatcher had remarried. She didn't know how she knew this, but she did know. Someone had told her. He had moved on with his life, while she struggled every day to raise their daughter. That didn't end when Meredith turned eighteen. She hadn't heard from Thatcher in fourteen years, ever since she had called him when Meredith was sick. not that she wanted to, but still, one would think he would check in on his child.

Her mother had not wanted her to go to medical school either. Her father had been a pediatrician, but Ellis didn't know what she wanted to specialize in. she knew that she wanted to be a doctor though, even if there were hardly any women, and she would have to fight for it. She was used to fighting for things. She was just as smart as the boys and she wanted everyone to know it. So she had gone to her father, and he had agreed to pay her way. And she had succeeded, more than succeeded, really, she had to admit.

But Meredith didn't have the luxury of going to the other parent. Her judgment was just going to have to stand. That was that. She was the boss in this case.

She was writing a book. It was on the surgical method she had pioneered, named the Grey method by her colleagues. She hadn't wanted to write it at first, but Charlie had told her that she should and time was apparently of the essence, so she was writing a book about the Grey method.

"Mom?"

Meredith's voice was echoing in her head. Meredith, who was no longer a child and yet somehow would always be a child.

"Mom! Mom, what are you doing?"

Suddenly, she was brought out of her thoughts, her reverie, her stupor, by her daughter's voice. It echoed strangely, as if they were not in her small office, and then she realized, they weren't. Meredith was running behind her, on the sidewalk, a block away from their house.

"Oh," Ellis exclaimed softly, sinking down onto to the bench next to her, as Meredith caught up.

"Mom, are you okay?" she asked, sitting next to her. "I was looking out my window and I saw you walking her, with this look on your face, like you weren't really there. It was creepy."

Ellis nodded, but she wasn't really listening to her daughter. The words _it's true, it's true_ were repeating themselves in her head, and she couldn't concentrate on anything else.

"Mom? Is something wrong?" Meredith asked, putting a hand on her mother's shoulder.

"No, nothing's wrong," Ellis replied. Ellis lied. Ellis stood up and began to walk towards the house, with Meredith following her.

"Mom?" Meredith called again, as Ellis turned into her study. Ellis turned, and looked at her. Meredith stood in the living room, her hand on the back of a chair. "If something's wrong, you can tell me. You know that, right?"

Ellis nodded once. "Thank you, Meredith," she said, formally and then retreated into her study to continue working on the book which she was writing.

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"Mom? Come on, you're not eating your really greasy pizza, something must be wrong," Meredith said, teasingly, over lunch. Ellis had ordered pizza, because she didn't want to cook anything or even make sandwiches. There was no longer a housekeeper, with Meredith gone she had decided that fighting with those women was no longer worth it. There was a cleaning lady who came in once a month, and that was good enough for the surgeon living alone.

"I should be telling you things like that," Ellis commented, "I am the mother."

Meredith shrugged. "Yeah. Eat your pizza."

Ellis obeyed. She obeyed her twenty-two year old daughter, because what else was there to do?

Meredith began cleaning up the table, and Ellis sat there, running her finger along the wood grain on the table. "Meredith?" she said, finally, looking up at her daughter, who was putting the cleaned glasses up in the cupboard.

"Yeah, Mom?" she replied, turning slightly.

"Three is, actually, something I need to talk to you about. If you would please come to the living room when you finish with the dishes." With that, Ellis stood and went into the living room herself, sitting in the same straight-backed chair that she had occupied that morning, the blank TV screen to her right. She remembered the days when Disney movies used to play on that screen. It seemed so long ago.

"What's up, Mom?" Meredith said quietly, as she entered the room. She plopped down on the couch, pulling her legs up under her, and leaning one arm on the armrest.

Ellis watched her for a moment, wondering how her daughter would react to the news that she was just about to give her.

She decided to start with what was easier.

"I've been thinking about what you said this morning. The truth is, Meredith, I would very much like it if you were to become a surgeon. You're my daughter, and I would be very proud of you. But it's a hard life, Meredith. You have to fight for your place every second, or at least I did and I don't think that it has changed that much. I'm not saying that you can't do it, but would you want to? Do you really want to be me, Meredith?"

Meredith shook her head, with a slight smile. "That's just it, Mom. You think I'm considering this just to emulate you, or to prove myself, but that's not true. The truth is that I want to be me, and I believe that that me is a surgeon."

Ellis nodded slowly, closed her eyes for a moment, and then opened them. "Okay. Well then. You have the intelligence, Meredith, there is no doubt about that. Apply to med school, and we'll take it from there. It won't be easy now that you've missed a year and haven't exactly been traveling Europe, but you shouldn't be too far behind."

Meredith smiled. "Thanks Mom!" she exclaimed. "You won't regret it, I promise!"

She sat up, apparently intending to leave the room, but Ellis held up a hand. "No. Wait. There's something else. Now I don't want what I am about to tell you to change the plans that we just made, understand? You are going to med school, and you're going to try. I'm not saying you'll succeed but if it's what you want, you can try. Got that?"

Meredith nodded, but she looked concerned. "Mom, what's going on? Are you sick or something?" she asked, sitting up on the sofa, and leaning towards her mother.

Ellis looked down at her hands, twisting her watch around her wrist. "You could say that, I suppose, although it's not altogether accurate. You took pre-med courses, didn't you?"

"Huh? Yeah. I thought I should, just in case."

"What, then, are the symptoms of Early-Onset Alzheimer's?"

Meredith's face registered uncontrolled shock. Her eyes went wide and her jaw dropped. "Mom…" she breathed.

"The symptoms, please, Meredith."

"Um… at the beginning stages it's fairly unrecognizable. Disorientation. Memory loss. That gets worse as time goes on. Confusion. Difficulty with speech, mood changes, denial of symptoms…," she trailed off and looked up at her mother with eyes that looked… damaged. There was a damaged look in her daughter's eyes. But Ellis nodded, for her to continue. "Early-Onset progresses faster than Late-Onset, and they think that there is more… more damage to the brain before symptoms are shown…. Mom…."

"Meredith, if you are going to be a doctor you will learn distance," Ellis said firmly.

"That's it, though, really. As the disease advance every-day tasks require supervision. It progresses faster than Late-Onset," she added, with a sigh.

"Yes. It does," Ellis agreed quietly. There was silence for a minute, and then she cleared her throat. "So. You're going to go to medical school and I'm going to finish my book. I'm also going to sell this house and move to Seattle. I'll live in the old house, for as long as I can. There's a very well spoken of extended care facility just inside Seattle that will do well when… well, later on."

"Mom, no. I'll stay here. I'll stay with you. I owe you that much, at least," Meredith protested, vehemently.

"No, Meredith. You are not going to stop yourself from doing what is right for you just because of me. That may be why I spoke against you're going to med school, I don't know. I admit that I did think of asking you to stay with me, but it is not going to happen. You're going to have your own life." Ellis spoke firmly and Meredith seemed taken aback.

"But Mom, we've been through it all together. All the bad times. But there were good times, too."

"There were," Ellis agreed, with a small smile. "Don't forget that, please, Meredith."

"Oh, Mom," Meredith said softly, reaching out and taking her mother's hand. After a moment she asked, "Mom, aren't you scared?"

"I suppose. Who isn't, when faced with something like this? But the only thing I really regret is that you'll have to watch it happen. To watch me… deteriorate."

Meredith's eyes widened, and Ellis could see tears brimming around the edges. Ellis covered her daughter's hand with her own. "Don't cry, Meredith. It seems horrible, I know. But we'll make it work. We've done it before."

"Yeah," Meredith agreed with a small laugh that was almost a sob. "We've done it before."

They sat there in silence for a while, and then Meredith shifted. "Is that why you quit the UN?" she asked. "And why you're writing your book?"

"Yes, it is. Well, I suppose. I liked the UN job, but the book needs to be written. The timing is all right. I don't suppose I had much of a chance."

Meredith sighed. "Only you could have an attitude like that, Mom."

"I suppose so," Ellis agreed, and then she abruptly stood up, disengaging her hand from her daughter's. "Well. I have a book to write."

"And I have schools to apply to. Damn, I hate that part," Meredith said with a laugh. Ellis headed towards the stairs, and Ellis to the office, but just before they went their separate ways Meredith turned to her mother. "We're going to be okay, right Mom?"

"Of course, Meredith. We'll be fine. We're always fine."

Then she went into her office and shut the door she was writing a book. Now, where the hell was her pen?

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It rained that night. A late summer storm. It barely woke Ellis up, and it probably wouldn't have, had she not heard a door close in the hallway. She got up a few seconds later, hearing footsteps in the hall. She opened her door and saw Meredith standing there. She was in her pajamas, with her hair in a messy ponytail, pacing the floor outside of Ellis's room.

"Meredith?" Ellis asked curiously, when her daughter turned to her.

"Hi Mom," Meredith whispered, stepping forward. "Can I…. uh…. Come in?"

Somewhat mystified Ellis stepped backward and let her daughter into the room. For just a second she saw a little girl in a white nightgown, scared by the storm, but then there was just Meredith, sitting on the end of her mother's bed.

Ellis got back into bed, and Meredith climbed up next to her. It had been so long since they had had a night like this. Quiet. Without arguments or Meredith going out. She had been out of her mother's control for a long time.

Ellis almost laughed when the thunder boomed and Meredith flinched. Tenderly Ellis pushed one piece of Meredith's hair out of her eyes and smiled at her. "You're a paradox, Meredith. You love the rain, but you hate the thunder."

"That's me," Meredith sighed. "A paradox."

She rolled over, staring at the rotating ceiling fan, and Ellis watched her, although she nearly drifted back to sleep. The silence lasted for so long, that she almost didn't hear Meredith speak again, "Mom? It's all going to change, isn't it?"

Ellis rolled over and propped her head up on one arm, raising an eyebrow. "In your case, Mer, I wouldn't say that it's entirely a bad thing."

"I know," Meredith conceded. "But it's scary. I think I'm ready, though, to grow up."

"You have no idea how glad I am to hear you say that," Ellis replied tiredly. There was silence again, and she thought that Meredith might have drifted off to sleep. "Meredith, baby. Never forget this, I love you."

Meredith's eyes flickered open, and Ellis thought that there was a little surprise in her eyes. "I love you too, Mom," she said softly, and then she rolled over and Ellis could tell that she was asleep.

Ellis herself, however, lay awake far longer. Sleep seemed rather like waste time now. She lay there in the dark, watching her daughter, all grown up, sleep peacefully.

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She never did sleep that night, instead, at some point she wandered into her study. No. Actually she didn't wander, because wander had a whole new connotation to her. Wandering was what had happened that afternoon when Meredith found her on the street corner with no idea that she had even left the house. So, at some point, she went into her study and took up her pen again.

She should have typed the manuscript, because who knew if she would be able to type it herself later on, but there was something more satisfying to watch the words form underneath her pen, feeling the control that each stroke of the pen gave. It was strange, perhaps, but it worked for her.

The sun was beginning to come up, a blue cast mingling with the yellow of her desk lamp, when she heard footsteps in the hallway. Meredith appeared in the doorway, perhaps looking for her. At any rate, her daughter sank to the floor, sitting there Indian-style, watching her mother write.

Neither woman, because Meredith was a woman now, neither woman said a word. They just sat there in companionable silence until a garbage truck could be heard in the distance, and Meredith cleared her throat.

"Mom? I wanted to let you know, or to ask I guess, if I could go visit Tucker. I figure I could go check out the med school at Dartmouth, and see how the med school is back up at Dartmouth. I think it'd be easier for me to get in back up there, and I did like it there."

Ellis put down her pen, noting it's place on top of her calendar carefully, and turned to look at Meredith. "How long will you be gone?" she asked, trying to do the motherly-thing. "You're back under my roof, after all, so technically I'm in charge."

Meredith rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "A week, I guess. If I get going I can get into classes by January and take summer courses to get back on level."

"You're really serious about this, aren't you?" Ellis asked, unable to keep a certain amount of awe from her voice.

"I am," Meredith said, nodding, and seemingly amazed herself. "Maybe it's weird, but I really do think that this is what I was meant to do, you know? It feels…."

"Right," Ellis finished, remembering that feeling. It had been a while since she'd felt it, but she remembered it from her first day in med school and on the day that Meredith was born. It hadn't been easy, to have a baby during her residency, but she had done it.

"Yeah," Meredith continued, smiling, obviously having no idea of her mother's thoughts. "That's it. It feels right."

Ellis nodded and started to turn back to her paper.

"Mom? You'll be okay here on your own, right? I mean not that I don't think—but yesterday…," she trailed off, obviously unwilling to offend.

"Of course I will be, Meredith," Ellis snapped. "I'm not a child."

"Okay," Meredith said quickly, standing up. "I'll go tomorrow, I guess." She left the room, closing the door behind her quietly. Ellis sighed and dropped her pen, putting her head in her hands. She hadn't wanted to snap at Meredith like that, of course. The truth was, it worried her too. How was she to manage during this time between, this limbo, in which she was both herself and not herself.

It would be easier, in a way, when she did need to be cared for full time. Well. For herself, maybe. Maybe not. Not for Meredith. She wished that Meredith would just let her go, but she knew that her daughter (no matter how she may try to hide it) had a greater sense of responsibility than that. She would worry about her mother, and Ellis could not control that.

She wondered what it would be like. She had never been proficient in neuro, and now she was glad. She didn't want to know exactly what was going to be happening to her brain. The doctor she had consulted had mentioned living in the past, and what a past she had to live in. It would be an adventure. It had all been an adventure.

She had one thing at least, whether she ever admitted it to Meredith or not, she was fairly confident that she had at least succeeded in raising her daughter. Who'd have thought that in the end that was what would matter to Ellis Grey, the great career woman, but it was. In the end, it was.

A/N Dear fix the linebreak. Thanks.

Oh, and this isn't quite over, the end will be posted before Season Three!

Review!


	5. Twenty Nine

Ellis was not sure why she was in the old house. Hadn't it been seven years ago that she had divorced Thatcher? She didn't think that she had a conference in Seattle, but maybe so. Maybe that was why Meredith was putting her clothes in a suitcase for her, although she didn't trust Meredith to choose the clothes that she really needed. She'd have to double check and make sure that there was at least one decent looking suit.

"Okay Mom, all set," Meredith said, with a smile. Ellis did not say anything, just sat on her bed trying to figure out exactly what was going on. Meredith closed the suitcase and sat on it. "Mom? Are you okay?"

"Of course Meredith, why wouldn't I be? Did you do your math homework? Your teacher expressed concern to me about your grades in there when I picked you up last week."

Meredith's face fell a little, which made Ellis think that she was lying when she said, "Of course I did, Mom. Now are you ready to go to Roseridge?"

Roseridge. Yes. That was the name of the extended care facility that she was going to be moving to. Meredith was in her final year of med school, but the doctors had decided that Ellis was not capable of caring for herself. She hated that she agreed with them.

Meredith looked more put-together now than Ellis had ever seen. She was dressed nicely, in a long-sleeved shirt and slacks, and her hair was all the same length and blonde. She smiled at her mother as she explained that she was going to take the suitcase to the car and she would be right back.

"Go ahead. You don't need my permission, for God's sake."

Meredith's smile did not falter.

It felt oddly cold for July, but that was what it must have been, if she and Meredith were in Seattle. After that disaster of a birthday party, she had insisted that Meredith come with her. Where was that girl? If she thought that Ellis did not know about her escape route from the house, she had another thing coming to her.

Ellis went to the door of her bedroom, she did not like being back in Seattle, there were too many memories. Of course, Richard was in New York, but Thatcher was here somewhere. She did not want to see Thatcher, or worse, have Meredith see Thatcher. Thank God that this dreadful conference would be over soon and they could go back to Boston. Meredith would be grounded there, too, of course.

"Are you that eager to leave, Mom?" Meredith asked her sadly, and Ellis noted that she was in the living room, with boxes surrounding her. She wondered how much of her past was in those boxes. "Hey Mom?" Meredith said, and they were nearly outside. "Would you like it, or mind, I guess, if I accepted the residency at Seattle Grace? Richard Webber took the chief job, after you said no. This way I could be close to you. I wouldn't tell, of course, I mean you signed those papers, but… but Roseridge wants me nearby and I want to be."

Ellis nodded, looking back at the house from the bottom of the porch. She had an odd feeling that she would not see it again. She'd like Meredith nearby; at least now that she was actually going to medical school she had a purpose. She was spending her first summer holidays in Seattle with her mother, which was nice for Ellis. Her book was nearly ready to be published.

Meredith was driving; she was a good driver, although Ellis would never tell her that. She had passed Driver's Ed with a 100, in the end, because she had had plenty of time alone in her room to study.

After Renée they had had Tiffani, and then Leondra, and then Florence before Meredith went to college and Ellis no longer hired a housekeeper.

She liked the view of the Space Needle. Thatcher never understood it, but he had grown up in Seattle. Richard was transplant, like she was, and he understood. They had lunch up there last week, on her day off when Thatcher had taken Meredith to visit his mother.

"Jane called me the other day. She's got her Master's in Art Therapy."

Jane Arden was such a sweet girl. Ellis often hoped that Meredith would emulate her rather than the other way around, but she had her suspicions that this would not be the case. Meredith influenced people some times, just as she did.

"That resident you hate, Carter, quit last week. He lost a patient that he had been treating since his internship. The weenie cracked. You were right about that."

"Mom…. That was years ago, remember? It's 2004."

"Oh. Yes, of course. Watch out Meredith, that light is turning red."

Where had the time gone?

"I could take the internship in New York, I guess. It's at the same place that Dr. Webber transferred from, and it begins in July, but I think I want to come back to Seattle."

"Richard's in New York. At Manhattan Memorial. He's teaching there."

"That's right. I forgot. Okay, Mom. Stay there, I'll come around and get you."

Meredith opened the car door after they left the Seattle house. Her eyes were sad, poor thing. She still did not understand why they were leaving their old lives behind. Ellis took her hand and squeezed it reassuringly. She still had so much growing to do, and had her whole life in front of her.

Meredith was walking straight ahead, but Ellis pulled her back a little. She looked closely and she could see herself reflected back in her daughter's eyes. Meredith smiled and pulled her onwards. They walked together into new lives.

A/N Review please. This last part was really sad to write.


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